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A long way to go
Aug. 13th, 2025 12:26 pmHonestly, I'm not sure, how I'm doing these day. I think I might be dissociating a bit. Just going without feeling too much until Monday. I know, it sounds awful, I mean, it's hubby vacation, but we just want to make the most of it and that really eats away at my energy and everything else. And I feel so bad, because I know I'm the driving power behind most of what we do. But I feel like we have to do all the stuff we can't do normally. To me it's just as much because I'm trapped at home when he takes the car with him to work, so I have to do a lot of the things I can't do every day.
The only thing I know is, I'm gonna be mentally exhausted the next couple of weeks. I just hope it doesn't turn to depression. I can be tired and happy, right?
Yeah, right. I'm already fighting sad feelings.
I have this chronic feeling of never being good enough. It's nothing new. It gets worse when I'm not actively maintaining my "habits" (I completely recognize myself in the ADHD-trait of not being able to have natural habits - everything is a choice and have to be actively done). I'm trying to do my to-do-list every day, but ... yeah. Nothing is what it should be when hubby is home, and I feel bad for struggling so much when he's home for so long.
I know it's something that comes with both autism and ADHD, feeling like lesser of a person, underneath everybody else. I just wish I could fight it more than I do. But I guess that's trauma.
My brain points at every little thing I could do better and hits me in the face with it. The anxiety that comes with it is ... not fun.
Five days to Monday and a normal week.
Tonight I'm starting a new course at dog training. They sent out a mail, tonight is without dogs, it's human education. It's fine, I just feel way to tired to be the one in the spotlight, not my doggo. And I know I'm not just gonna stand in the back, I can't help myself, I need to participate. Sigh.
But I'm looking forward to it anyway, there's a lot of people from our old introduction course, and they're nice people. It's gonna be good seeing them again.
Tomorrow I've got an appointment at an optician. It's been three years since I last got my eyesight checked out (not counting the visits to the doctors, but it's not the same), and I probably need new glasses. The last time there was a big difference. I hope I can get approved for a loan, because I do not have the money for new glasses.
I'm nervous. Not just for the price tag, but new glasses? I hate change, though I also feel like it's time for something new, but will I choose something good? Hubby is not gonna be any help, so it's up to me and the optician. It's one of these days I wish I could bring a friend.
We went to a small zoo yesterday. It was an amazing experience. They're small, but they have A LOT of animals they don't have in any other Danish zoo or park. I had a blast, and we almost got to see them all. It was a very nice place and I'm definitely going back! My best friend wants to come. Yay! I love going to the zoo or museums with friends and share my enthusiasm!
I got to see a New World Porcupine up close. Very close! I love porcupines! Best day ever!
Okay, I'll stop rambling. I have to figure out what to do for the next four hours. I'd like to do something productive, but honestly I'm tired. Maybe I should just give in, watch tv and knit. The other opportunity is puzzle and music. I'm trying to find some new music, and apparently I'm into bossbeat and rebel blues, so I'm browsing for new artists.
I should be writing. But not today.
The only thing I know is, I'm gonna be mentally exhausted the next couple of weeks. I just hope it doesn't turn to depression. I can be tired and happy, right?
Yeah, right. I'm already fighting sad feelings.
I have this chronic feeling of never being good enough. It's nothing new. It gets worse when I'm not actively maintaining my "habits" (I completely recognize myself in the ADHD-trait of not being able to have natural habits - everything is a choice and have to be actively done). I'm trying to do my to-do-list every day, but ... yeah. Nothing is what it should be when hubby is home, and I feel bad for struggling so much when he's home for so long.
I know it's something that comes with both autism and ADHD, feeling like lesser of a person, underneath everybody else. I just wish I could fight it more than I do. But I guess that's trauma.
My brain points at every little thing I could do better and hits me in the face with it. The anxiety that comes with it is ... not fun.
Five days to Monday and a normal week.
Tonight I'm starting a new course at dog training. They sent out a mail, tonight is without dogs, it's human education. It's fine, I just feel way to tired to be the one in the spotlight, not my doggo. And I know I'm not just gonna stand in the back, I can't help myself, I need to participate. Sigh.
But I'm looking forward to it anyway, there's a lot of people from our old introduction course, and they're nice people. It's gonna be good seeing them again.
Tomorrow I've got an appointment at an optician. It's been three years since I last got my eyesight checked out (not counting the visits to the doctors, but it's not the same), and I probably need new glasses. The last time there was a big difference. I hope I can get approved for a loan, because I do not have the money for new glasses.
I'm nervous. Not just for the price tag, but new glasses? I hate change, though I also feel like it's time for something new, but will I choose something good? Hubby is not gonna be any help, so it's up to me and the optician. It's one of these days I wish I could bring a friend.
We went to a small zoo yesterday. It was an amazing experience. They're small, but they have A LOT of animals they don't have in any other Danish zoo or park. I had a blast, and we almost got to see them all. It was a very nice place and I'm definitely going back! My best friend wants to come. Yay! I love going to the zoo or museums with friends and share my enthusiasm!
I got to see a New World Porcupine up close. Very close! I love porcupines! Best day ever!
Okay, I'll stop rambling. I have to figure out what to do for the next four hours. I'd like to do something productive, but honestly I'm tired. Maybe I should just give in, watch tv and knit. The other opportunity is puzzle and music. I'm trying to find some new music, and apparently I'm into bossbeat and rebel blues, so I'm browsing for new artists.
I should be writing. But not today.
