Buckhorn's part of the woods

It is with pride I can say I've been writing.
It. Feels. So. Good.

There's a submission call for smut on the Discord server and I had an idea. Oh well, it turned non-con-ish, so that's out the window, but the most important thing is, it got me writing. I haven't finished it yet, but I probably will. And then I have to figure out something else, though I'm not sure I'll submit anything.
I don't feel comfortable sharing any smut, and I've been thinking about why. I guess I'm terrified of being judged by my thoughts on the matter. I don't feel comfortable talking about "the naughties" (thanks Cliccy) irl, so ... yeah. But I'm not a not-smut-person. I don't have a problem with sex in my head, it's just the talking and sharing part that scares me shitless.

I already feel panic-y writing this.

I want to learn not to be this fucking scared of what people think.
I'm so fucking afraid of being perceived. And perceived in a bad way.

Another reason why I have so much trouble with people and going out into the world and just be me.

And just write. I feel like people are gonna judge me hard on everything I write.

Oh well.

It's just not smut I've been writing. I read something on FB today about humans and aliens and something just turned on in my head. It's not even related, but I'm working on some sci-fi-shortstory, and suddenly I just wanted to work on that.
So I read the one I've already written (well, the last part is just dialogue - I wrote most of it at The Great Nordic Word War (24 hours of war between the Nordics to see who can write the most - but it's there!) and I freaking love it. It's very rare I like something I've made this much, but I just love the characters, the setting and the narrative. 
I've been editing and rewriting for hours today and it's amazing. I'm having a hard time putting it down, but my brain is mush. There's another day tomorrow! I just hope the hype lasts!
I really want to finish this. And write all the other shortstories with the same two persons, Seik and Rhemis. Rhemis is a soldier in The Intergalactic Federation and Seik is a run-away slave fighting for the resistance. Think American history rather than Star Wars. Or maybe a mix. Seik is a talker with a lot of humor and Rhemis is more of a thinker and a serious man. 
In this story they shoot each other down on a radioactive moon and have to work together to survive. 
I love the way they interact with each other. The threats and the humanity underneath the mutual hate.

I just love when enemies are forced to work together and see the other side.
Yeah. I want my smut to be enemies to lovers or at least friends to lovers. I just haven't figured out how.
And no, so far no smut in the shortstory with Seik and Rhemis. They don't have time, they have to survive!

I think I'm finally on the right track mentally. I'm still tired, but it's better.

I feel like vacation is coming. Wednesday I have the yearly checkup at the hospital for my diabetes and then... nothing. No plans for a couple of weeks! Well, it probably wont last, but right now... vacation! I need that shit.

My MILs dog was put to sleep today. She had a tumor and it just took a really bad turn today so the vet came and that was it. MIL called me and cried, and I just can't handle something like that, but I tried. I'm sad too, it was a weird dog, but very sweet and special. We had her on vacation a couple of times and I'm gonna miss her.
And I can't even tell my dog her friend is dead.

I should go to bed. We finally had some summer days, but it means a really hot bedroom and I like to sleep cold. I've been sleeping without ear plugs for some nights and that doesn't help, but I had some ear-pain. I think it's over and I'm gonna try the plugs tonight. I sleep so much better with them.

I'm having a mental tickle. My brain is itching to write and make stuff, and I'm sad writing is so slooow. I wish I could draw. Fast. Just to get some of the need to express myself and give life to the feelings and pictures in my mind.
And it just seems a lot easier to draw a single picture rather than have to write a whole damn scene for a single "frame".
But that's just how it is. I can't draw for shit and it's okay. But I do envy the artists out there!

Oh well! Time for bed! The faster I sleep the faster I can return to work on Seik and Rhemis!

I feel like I'm too tired to exist. Not in any dying kind-a-way, just ... I just want to sink into the couch or my bed and rest and sleep and not have to be an adult.
I can't remember the last time I was so exhausted.

Today I have dog-training and Saturday it's the big day, where we're going to the final test for the introduction class. Our instructor already said we're an automatic pass, because we're doing so well, but I don't know. I haven't been training at home, because I'm so tired.
I'm gonna ask her today what she thinks. Should we come, even though we can't do all the exercises?
Next Tuesday is the last time in this class. It's so sad, I really love the instructors and my teammates, but I look forward to try something new.
And I really look forward to some vacation. I hope this burnout doesn't last the whole summer.

I finished a shawl Sunday. Finally a finished project! It could have been bigger, but I don't have anymore of that yarn and it's fine. I love the colors and I'll try to actually use it, but I wouldn't be surprised if I gave it away.
I've sewn one side of my sweater together, it wasn't that bad, it just took forever! I have sewing. I was thinking of doing the other half today, but nah. Maybe tomorrow.
I already wanna start something new, but I'm gonna stick to my list of UFOs. I really need to feel like I can finish stuff.
I have another ball of the same yarn as for the shawl, just in another color. I'm looking forward to start something up with it at some point. I absolutely love that yarn! (it's Winter Glow from Hobbii).

Today I spend some money, even though I shouldn't. But I discovered there's a twin to my Paperblanks notebook. I have the Firebird, and there's a Skybird! I just had to have it, and I ended up buying a puzzle and another notebook with Asterix and Obelix. Pure nostalgia, I read the comics as a child.
Bad me, but I feel like pampering myself a bit. I mean, I feel like I'm dying.

I haven't been working on Skyggefarer at all for days. Nor anything else. I have no brain. I wish I did, I really wanna do something related to writing. but I'm so friggin' tired.
Instead I've watched three seasons of Sleepy Hollow. I don't think I'll watch the fourth. No spoilers, but it just seems weird making another season after how the third ended?
Instead I watched some S.W.A.T. with my best friend on Friday and now I'm knee deep into Justified with Timothy Olyphant. I love that guy. And it's pretty good! I love the dry humor and the characters. Kentucky seems like a wild place to live 😜

Oh well. Now I'm gonna get some lunch and then crawl back to the couch. Maybe take a nap. If I'm gonna drive myself to training, I think I need some sleep.

I really, really need some time off. I wish I had the opportunity to go to a summer house for a week and just... Be me. Well, I would have to bring the dog, but that's okay. But shit that's expensive and I have stuff to do. Had it been out of season I might have given it a thought (it's cheaper then), but I just have to try to relax at home.

Shit.
Napping sounds great right now.
 

Just a small update - my stomach is much better today, almost no pain. But my period started, so guess who's gonna be in pain for another week? 🥲

I slept friggin' 10 hours today. The dog tried getting me out of bed once, same with one of the cats. The other cat was persistent, but to no avail until it was 10 am! Wtf. It's been a long time since I slept that late.
So this weekend has been nuts. I did sleep for like an hour and a half yesterday, and with this late awakening today, both days has been "ruined". 

Though today I've changed sheets, duvet covers and towels, and I did my exorcises before walking the dog. And we did train a bit when we got home. She's such a good dog, training makes me happy, even when we don't succeed. I've become better at savoring the stuff that works and let the rest go. She has to learn how to 'stand', and it's not going very well. But she's getting good at hand target! She just doesn't lift her butt when I try to make her move for a target, she just scoots over 😂 Silly thing.

And I have sewn sleeve number two on! Now I just have to close the body and sleeves up and I have a new sweater! I can already tell by now, the sleeves are way too long, but that's okay. I think the body fits!

Hubby was out climbing trees today. Yikes, I'm glad I'm not with him, I have a hard enough time sitting at home thinking about him being 20-22 meters above grund hanging in a rope!
But he had fun. So I'll just have to manage.
I'm a bit jealous, he has that big group of people he meets up with now and then, having fun and diving into their hobby.

Oh well. Now we have to go outside and water the garden. It's so dry atm, we don't get any rain. May has been bone dry. The grass is withering, which we can't do anything about (our garden is very big), but we water all the new plants. There's 20 lilacs which should grow to be a hedge. And all my flowers.
I hope everything survives!

The toll of last week is hitting hard today.
I'm depressed and tired. It's completely normal to hit a low after that much stress, but I really hate it. I feel useless, unloved and overwhelmed.
It'll pass, but I'd wish it wasn't a thing.

My mom's visit was fine. I didn't lose my temper, but Jesus Christ that woman makes me crazy and tests every inch of my patience.
Everything's just slow. Slow, slow slow. Like, she was supposed to be picked up at 14 o'clock, but texted my hubby to move it to 14.30. Not much, you think, but what if I told you, she got out of bed an hour before normal to be ready, she doesn't have to go to work or anything, she just couldn't make it.
She's the most slow person I've ever met! Everything takes ages, even very small stuff.
It makes me and hubby nuts.

At one point she wanted me to move so she could get to her stuff on the counter, and instead of asking nicely, she waved her hand aggressively at me, clearly annoyed I was in her way.

I just ... can't. I really don't like her. She's everything I'm not, and still I'm terrified to end up like her one day.

It sausage day (dog training), but I'm just too pooped, so I have already decided to cancel. It's just another round of clicker, which I'm pretty good at. It's fun, but I'd rather take care of my mental health today.

I'm not writing, I don't even want to (it scares me a bit, to be honest), but yesterday I sew a sleeve on my sweater. It was difficult and I hated it and I still have one sleeve to go. And then I have to close op the sleeves and the body. The body will be a lot easier, but still.
I just hope it fits. So far, so good.

Friday is TTRPG-day, but no, two already cancelled, so next time makes it 2½ month since we last played. I'm this close to just throw in the towel and give up. I have lost all interest, tbh, I can't keep my excitement running for so long without feeding it. ADHD says no.
I've asked if we should find another time to play, since Friday doesn't seem to work, but nobody have answered me. Great. Doesn't do anything good for my mood. I hate being "ignored".

Oh, and our car is in the shop. Our brand new (well, almost new) car. Hubby was very unlucky. He was driving on the freeway in the outer lane when there was an accident in the opposite lane and a truck had to swerve into the crash fence between the lanes. He wasn't hurt, but the car got hit by a shitload of gravel and the windscreen and the paintwork got all scratched up. So it's being painted and getting a new windscreen. Luckily we have insurance.

As you can hear, everything is just peachy atm.

I'm gonna walk the dog. I haven't got any plans for today, so I'll probably sew the second sleeve on and maybe read. Oh, and I have to be ready for TTRPG tomorrow, we are having session zero with Mörk Borg. I got some YouTube videos to see and some reading to do.

Oh well. I hope the next post is a bit more positive. It's just stacking up right now.
I'm not... in a very bad place, I'm just tired. I need something positive to do and think about. It'll come. At some point. It's okay to have bad days. As my hubby says: The world is still alive. Or maybe it's better translated to: The world will survive.

What I really wanted to share in my last post, which went of the rails - I'm feeling better now, I got my thoughts sorted out - was music.

More on that later. First!

I drove to dog training and home today 🥳 I'm starting to feel a bit silly for dragging my hubby along, but I still do not feel safe enough to drive without him. But my goal is to drive myself alone before the summer vacation.
Background: I do have a drivers license, but I'm scared of driving. But we just got an electrical car, and somehow my anxiety just ... not disappeared, but it's almost not present. It's such a nice car with a crazy amount of helping functions, I feel a lot more safe. Our old car was an old diesel with manual stick, and it just scared the crap out of me. I'm never going back!

But damn, I would really like to have my own car.
Hubby wants me to have my own car too, since I'm gonna change classes at dog training after summer, and there's suddenly something about weekend days and what have we, and he doesn't wanna sit home and be bored while I have the car xD
But money. So no. It's not gonna happen.

The training went very well today. We tried rally, and it's so much fun. We don't have rally at the club, but one of our instructors actually is a rally instructor. I might have been pushing a little for her to make a class. And of course it would be on a Sunday. Dammit. But if she decides to start a class, I'm joining! I really like it. And the dog does too!

I'm so proud of my street dog. She's such a good girl <3

And now.

Music.

I've fallen in love with almost a whole album. "The Fall" by Tommee Profitt and Sam Tinnesz. It's just perfect.
My favorites are Garden, Spiral (with Our Last Night!) and Darkest Hour. The Fall, Lost, and Shadows are also perfection!

( Show me the music! )

I'm sore as fuck. We tried agility Tuesday with the dogs at dog training. It was very fun, and my dog loved it. BUT you have to run WITH your dog, and my long legged Bosnian beaver runs FAST.
I don't like running.
My legs and back are killing me today. I just hope the back pain isn't severe enough for a trip to the chiropractor. I startet doing small, easy exorcises in January, and I haven't been to the chiropractor this year, which is nuts. I used to go very often.

I'm very surprised of how much these little movements help. My posture is better and I have been doing some pretty hard work in the garden without any notable soreness.
And since we've gotten the dog a year and a half ago, I started walking a lot more (our dog before her was an old dog who liked her days laying in the couch), and damn I can feel it in my body. My legs are pure muscle (I'm a bit overweight, but not on my legs) and I'm taking a lot less insulin (I have diabetes type 1).

I'm actually thinking about doing something more, like ... running or going to the gym.
I really want to start training agility with the dog after summer, and that means I need to learn how to run.
And we have this small local gym in the nearby town. I'd have to take the scooter there, which I'm not a fan of. Well, I could take the bike, but I haven't been biking for years, and there's this very long hill...

I don't know. I know my ADHD likes making me do new things one or two times and then lose interest. I'm not gonna jump the gun and start something right now. And I know I'm gonna overdo it.
I do have a bike, though, maybe I should just... go.
When my legs aren't killing me.

Today my mom wants to talk on the phone, so that's at least an hour wasted.
Yesterday I spent in the couch with "Catching a Smuggler" on Disney+, while I knitted. I'm on the last part of the sleeves for my sweater, and I'm excited to see if it actually fits, when it has been blocked and sewn together. The last one was way to big. It was my first one.
I hope it fits, it's gonna be so pretty!

Right now I should grab some lunch, take a shower and then.. idk. Knit some more, until my mom is ready.

I really don't want to chat with my mom. Sigh.