Buckhorn's part of the woods

December. It's already December, Christmas is coming, and 2025 is almost over.
Where the hell did this year go?
I mean, it just flew right past me, I didn't do much of what I wanted.

I thought I'd be finished with The Finder's Task by now, but no. Not even close. I'm stuck in the middle.
I had high hopes of losing some weight, but no. At least I'm not gaining any, but I really wanna lose some kilos.
And I dreamed of not having any need for chiropractor, but alas, I'm still in pain.

I can't really say I've reached other goals. I've just been fighting for dear life with burnouts and depression and what have we.
Well, surviving is a success in itself, right? I'm still here, I'm still fighting.
And I think I found a new life goal, which is a big thing. 

It's not been all bad, I've had fun times with my dog, still love my hubby more than anything, met new people and I started driving. THAT is pretty cool.

But damn, I'm longing for a more coherent life. Every time I feel like I'm just about to get my shit together, something drops in and smash into everything and sends it flying.
Please, I just want a calm and straight forward year without any big surprises or mental or physical challenges. 

Sigh.

I'm not overly tired or depressed at the moment, just ... I don't know. I feel useless, but I think I'm slipping back into some burnout. Too much have happened lately and I need some time to recover. I accept that. 
December is never a good month for me, but it seems like the first few weeks are pretty relaxed. 
And Christmas seems to consist of one visitor and nothing between that and New Year's. I have to invite my mom for Christmas (she has no one but me), and since it's been so long since we last saw each other I should probably let her stay for three days. I'm already dying just by thinking of it. 

I've been exhausted lately, I have been pretty stressed. I just hate when it affect other people. Like I haven't been role playing for a couple of weeks, but I simply haven't had the juice.
I feel like I'm letting people down. But real life comes first and I promised my self to take it slow and not get stressed out about it. So people just have to wait.

At the same time I don't have spoons for a social life. People make me tired. I feel like an alien looking in on their interactions, their way of being and living and I feel so ... detached. Like I'm not a part of anything. I'm floating alone outside this world they live in.
Resentment is a strong word. But I see all these people only talking about themselves, only being able to see their own little bubble, never opening up for others and embracing differences. 
I know it's just me not having the mental capacity to contain people. 
I know it's because I don't feel like a part of it.
I know it's because I'm mentally burned out.
And I know I'm no different or better. I always talk about myself too. I don't have much else to talk about.
But opening up for the servers on Discord and reading messages... People seems to be standing on their own little islands far from each other and yell over open water. "Look at me!"

Funny things is, I was at a social event Sunday, and one of the younger ones was asking very direct and nice questions about people, and I felt so uncomfortable, even though she didn't ask me anything. She seemed interested, but to me it just felt wrong. And I don't know why.
Maybe we just have been accustomed not to care? Idk. Or maybe she seemed too interested. I react to the weirdest things. Or I was just way too tired. It had been a very, very rough and long day at that point.

Anyway.

I'm trying to rely on myself rather than others, and it's tough. 

I try to work on the worldbuilding for Werewolves in Space, but I keep doubting myself and what I do. I've never tried doing anything like this before, never worked this detailed about a sci-fi-setting or having to make so many choices.
But I don't have anyone to ask about it, and I have this idea of not doing so. It's my project, it probably amounts to nothing, and I don't want to hype it up and just fail.
But holy Christmas tree, I feel so alone with it. And I'm torn between wanting to share my thoughts with people, and prove I can do it myself. I just don't know anyone who would have the interest or patience to hear me ramble about it.
Well, my best friend probably would, but she's having a rough time.
And I ... how should I say it. I don't believe in taking up someones time like that. I feel like I've been programmed not to put the spotlight on me. Does it make sense? It should never be about me.
Yeah, I know, I grew up with a mother who always makes thing about her.
And I'm a late diagnosed AuDHD, so I was always told I talk too much.
But I have a hard time logically seeing how much room I can take up. 

And when I try?
No one seems to care. Or notice me.
That is probably the worst part.

Sometimes I wish I could have a little fairy sitting on my shoulder and tell me how neurotypicals experience the world and how I can fit in better. "Am I doing this right? How can I navigate this?"

Damn, this got darker than I had planned.

I'm gonna shake it off and take the dog for a walk.

Oh, one thing though.
My Garmin Venu 2s smartwatch is acting up and I actually have money for the newest one, Venu 4. Well, I'm broke if I buy it. It's all I have saved. But I love my watch, and it helps me keep track of my health, steps and sleep. And I don't have my phone in hand to keep an eye on my blood-sugar-levels.
So I'm buying it.
Well, I tried yesterday, but got a mail today that Garmin cancelled my order? Without an explanation on why. I sent them an email. I'm waiting to hear back.

Time for a walk and then my back is telling me to go sit in the couch.

I started Monday with the intentions of getting my life under control and back on track this week.
... And the I stretched and all plans were thrown out the window. 
I hate having back pain. And this time it's joined by, as usual, bad period cramps. Yesterday I could hardly exist.

Well. I'll just wait until next week with getting my ducks in order. Or in the same box.

I was this ready to do stuff, but no. Sometimes (well, most of this year) it just feels like life has it out for me.

But besides all the pain, it's getting better. I'm not as tired and I feel more in the category of okay. One day at a time. 

Last week hubby had a week off, which was nice, but way too short. There's way too much we have to do, and he spend most of the time in the garden raking leaves. But we did finish setting the terrarium up. The heating lamps and a few new plants. I hope we feel ready for the damn animals around new years. We just don't have a clue to what we're doing, so first step is to be sure we can keep the plants alive and keep the temperature and humidity where it should be.

I feel overwhelmed. Not by something in particular, just life and everything in it. I can't keep up. There's so many thing that need attention and I don't have that much space in my head at the moment. Last week I had problems with my pulse, it was way to high for a couple of days. The heart beating way too hard. Stress, no doubt.

Luckily I don't have any wild plans the next few weeks. Chiropractor tomorrow and we have to go vote Tuesday (local elections, not state). And of course dog training tonight. 

Saturday is the yearly Great Nordic Word War, which I count on participating in. Not the whole 24 hours, I need my sleep and there's agility, but as much as possible. I don't know how much I'm gonna write, but they keep saying it's not about the amount of words, so ... we'll see. I'm thinking of doing a lot of small texts based on one of the lists from in here. I think it's better to do short intense stories than trying to write anything longer. Make it fun and games.

I re-read some short texts from my idea Werewolves in SPACE. I forgot how much I love the different characters. They really have their own voices. 
I fell like returning to the project. I don't like writing, but I do feel like worldbuilding. I've "ruined" a new notebook just for this project, and I think it's working for me, going analog. It feels a lot more concrete and less ... messy? I'm using World Anvils prompts and stuff for it, which is giving me a good basis for where to start. I actually hate worldbuilding, it way too vast and lose for me. But I'm trying. And I hope that getting the setting down on paper helps me making some good plots. 
I love the characters. The arsehole werewolf Deke with a hidden heart, the stern, but lost, human/cyborg huntress Castillia, the cynic android Mo, the broken half-orc warrior Tarak, the ambitious human politician Athalos and the female siren Sesiah, beautiful on the outside but ugly on the inside. I really want to give them life.

So, the list of prompts will go to them. I want to explore them.

I still do RP. I don't feel like it these days, but I'm not done. I'm just in pain. And I already need to cut down on threads. Go figure. But there's some pretty good plots on the way, so I'm not going anywhere. I just need to remember not to get stressed about it. Clearly some people have too much tome, the amount of answers some write in a day? Phew, I'm not that fast and I do have a life.

Time to go outside with the doggo and then have a shower. My pain meds just stopped working. Time for some more. 
I hate this x__x Why was I born a woman?

But ... I'm starting to feel some sort of excitement for life again, I like it.
One. Day. At. The. Time.

Okay, long time since last post.

I'm still very tired. But I think it's improving from here. The day I wrote the last post was probably the worst, but I'm not good yet. Just a bit less tired, a little bit more alive.
I went to the doctor's office on Friday, she agreed it's probably burnout, but took some blood tests. Promised me I would hear from her Monday. Well, I still haven't heard anything. I wrote her a message Wednesday, but it could take a few days. I'm not worried, I could see some of the blood work on an app and it was fine. It's only the in-house tests I can't see.

Today I woke up with a nasty headache which is unlike me. Bad enough for me to take some paracetamol. I think it's coming from my neck/upper back, so I should probably do my exercises. 

Last Wednesday I went to dog training and it was nice. I had no problem driving and even though I missed out the week before I wasn't falling behind, since my dog simply loves putting her paws on stuff (she had to stand with her front paws on a tub).
At some point one of our instructors came over and very seriously told me I'm a very good dog trainer. I was flabbergasted and very happy. Made my whole week.

Well, she did one better this week.
As I was packing up my car she came over, was a bit secretive (waited till no one was around) and straight up asked me if I ever considered being an instructor.
My flabbers weren't even gasted, they were blown away. 
Yes, I said, because I actually had thought about it in a "when I get older and more experienced"kind-a-way or a "a neurospicy girl can dream"-kind-a-way. 
But I really hadn't, you know, thought of it as a thing. But she was very serious and started talking about the process and such (while I probably looked like an idiot with open mouth and a a wtf-look in my eyes). She told me "they" had talked about it (as in not just her and the other instructor on the team, so probably my old ones from the intro-group) and they were really impressed. They thought I had natural talent and I was great at reading the dogs. I should think about it!

I just ... what?!

I don't know how I got home, I was in the skies! When I got home I couldn't even talk I just ran into the living room and started jumping up and down in front of hubby who most likely thought I was having a seizure or something 😂

I don't think anyone have ever said anything this wild and important to me. It's crazy. I can't explain how much this means to me. 
I feel like such a failure at almost anything in life and then someone tells me I'm a natural talent. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. So I did both. Hubby thought I lost my mind. I was just so happy. I AM happy!

After calming down a bit I looked into it on their webside. They would like you to have at least two years of training experience and tried out competition, and I have only been training with Kaiza for a year (and two years with our old dog Coco years ago) and I haven't even thought of going to any competition. 

But. YES. I would very much like to be an instructor. Just not now. I'm not mentally a place where I can handle it, and I really think I need some more experience. 
But it's something I do wanna do. And that in itself is a big thing.

I am on early retirement benefits because I'm autistic and have ADHD. And type 1 diabetes and have a bad back. 
It's very nice to have this option, to be deemed unwell enough not to fight for being alive. I really wouldn't be able to handle a job, I can hardly handle every day life.
It's okay to be here. It's not my fault, it's my body and brain and I can't do shit about it.
But it just feels like (what we in Denmark like to call) a bankruptcy declaration. To me anyway, I don't see it as such for everybody else, it's just, you know, the end of the line. There's nothing more to do about your place in society. 
And it's fine, really, I'm very grateful being able to live like this. No pressure, just existing. 
But I also don't have any goal in life. I don't want children, I can't earn money, I can't dream big of anything.I only have me and that is as sad as it can be.

My childhood dream of being a published author seems lost, I don't think I'll ever be good enough for that, which is a recent realisation, and I'm still hurting from it. Grieving. I'm not giving up on writing, I just... I just need to accept it's never gonna be a thing. I know, I'm only 35 and have a whole life of practicing in front of me, and maybe, if I just keep writing... but I am not a especially hopeful person, and I just don't see it right now.
(Am I depressed? Probably, I always am in some capacity)

So having someone tell me I can do something. That they think I'm very good at something and I have the ability to take it further... it gives me a new goal. A goal in a subject I actually can see myself excel in. I mean, I love dogs, always have, and I like to teach. So being an instructor just seems like a natural goal for me. I just never thought someone would think this for me, if that makes any sense?

I have a goal. It's in the future, but it's a goal.

Well, the happiness lasted until this morning. I don't feel it anymore. The self-doubt is back. Will I ever reach a point in my mental state where something like that wouldn't kill me? I mean, as I said, I can hardly handle a normal day. How can I ever believe I would be able to have a "job" like that? Go though the whole education? Things haven't exactly gotten any better the last couple of years. I don't feel like I'm improving in any way. At all.

I don't know how much time it takes to calm down from life long stress and pressure. Learning, or maybe it's de-learning the society's expectations and find peace in this new life. I've been on early retirement since 2020, so five years. And I've had the diagnose of ADHD since 2019 and autism since 2023.
Will I ever get to a point where I can relax and accept the person I am? Accept my own shortcomings and learn how to say "pyt" (Danish for "it doesn't matter") and not to give a fuck about anything else than my own happiness? (and those around me, of course).

I feel like I should talk to a professionel about this, but I do not have money for that.
It's a long road on my own, but I hope I one day get there. I would very much like to be at peace with myself. Be my unapologetic self. Instead of always thinking of what others want me to be.
I've spent my whole life masking, I just can't let it go overnight. 

I fell like I've hit a low atm. Maybe it's a start. I have to build myself up from here. I just don't know where to start.

I cancelled my mom's visit. I am still dying and I just can't. She was disappointed, but accepted. She's coming in three weeks instead. Sigh.

I should go to bed right now, but it's been a stressful evening, so I'm waiting for my brain to calm down. And I feel like every post I make here is depressed, so a little happy update:

Dog training was fine, we're still a power couple, the dog and I x) 
And after there was a lecture about problematic dogs, which I don't have, but I'm always interested in learning about how dogs work. And this was a positive training lecture about dogs language, and how we should use their way of working in a group, based on wolves, to take control. No yelling, no physical punishment, just a few easy ways of showing the dog that you're their leader. I loved it. As I said, our dog isn't a problem, but our old one... I could have used this knowledge with her! She was a real queen and a pain in the butt. 
I loved it. I'm wondering if I should aim towards some sort of future in dog behaviorism. But nah, there's a reason I don't work. But I still like the idea of learning as much as possible.

And, speaking of, I asked our trainer if they could write a description of the homework in the group on Facebook, for those who isn't there. And she said NO. Well, because she'd use a day or two just typing it 😂 One-finger-system. But she said if I'd like to do it, I should. And I said yes. All just try to write what they tell us. 
So tomorrow I'll write the last two homework on Facebook. How to learn the dog to lay down and how to start leaning the dog to heel (I think it's called in English).

I feel a bit proud they trust me to do so. 

I don't think I have anything new to talk about. Still tired as fuck. Today I slept for two hours on the couch (or I wouldn't have been able to go to dog training) and I was still dying.

Oh! I signed up for a text-based RPG (play-by-post) site - it's just the usual suspects with a few new faces (for me). The RPG-scene in Denmark is really small. It's just the same people as it was 10-15 years ago 😂 I do have some history with a few of them, but I'm letting myself exist. I don't have to interact with everyone. I do have the right to be here.
This one is a Hallmark-type of game with a small village and the drama there. I made a young man who was sent there to live with his aunt because he made to much of a scene at home in NYC and that's not good when your mom is aiming for mayor and your dad is a rich bastard. I'm looking forward to make some drama 8)
I also joined a site where there's no set setting, but you can make whatever you want. I hope I can get someone interested in playing with one or two of my characters from my writing, but honestly, I don't associate myself with the "Character Factory" for nothing x) I'll just make something that fits someone's dream RPG. I can play almost anything and in any setting whatsoever.

I feel a bit on edge though. RPG has some bad memories for me, I was in a bad place in a toxic environment and lost my whole circle of "friends" at one point. There's just so. much. drama. in those circles. But since I can't get myself to write on my own stuff, I need an outlet. And people are not very critical when it comes to RPG.
It's fine. I can walk away anytime I want to.

Oh well. I think I'm about ready to go to bed. Hubby already went. I'll take the (very tired) dog out and then get to it. 
I'm looking forward to a couple of weeks with nothing but dog training twice a week. I need a break.

I'm not doing great these days. I'm extremely exhausted, my back hurts and I'm suffering from headaches. I've notified hubby, that I'm not gonna be doing anything for a few days (though, I am, today I have started both washer, dryer and dishwasher and changed the sheets), and he, sweet as he is, declared today for pizza day. I just love him so much, and I tried explaining to him last night, I just can't fathom how he just rolls with my unregulated energy- and mood swings. I don't think a lot of people just goes with it.

The exhaustion has taken form as a depression, though I don't know if it's just a 'right here, right now'-thing or if it will linger. This year ... well, the last couple of years ... have been way too much. I'm pretty much chronically depressed, but sometimes it just goes up a notch. Or down? Being worse, anyhow.
I'm clinging on to every positive thing, but I just feel like I have nothing to look forward too. Like, something in the future I can focus on.

I just feel so defeated.

And I just want to make clear, I love life. I love so much about it. Sometimes it's just hard to see all the good things, especially when you're dead tired. This is just me venting, I know things will brighten up when I've had some proper rest.

But defeated would be the right word for how I feel atm.

I had someone read my smutty short story I thought of submitting to a spicy submission call, and the respond was ... not good. So I withdrew my name from the google sheets and decided not to participate. I should probably fight for it, but I really don't have the energy for it. I barely got through the first draft.
If it had been just the talk about me not describing the feelings enough or not focusing enough on the main character evolving or whatever, but it came with a whole paragraph of how I should change the plot, and I just ... nah, bro, not gonna do that. I'd rather give up and keep the plot as I want it. It's just a stupid smutty short story for fun, not the next Lord of the Rings. 

I want to say it's okay. I did tell myself It was a tryout for me writing smut and it was fun, but I'm not gonna run myself down trying to write something amazing. 

But I do feel defeated.

I've had this nagging feeling of ... inadequacy ... towards my skills of writing. I just feel like every positive comes with a 'but ...', and I just don't think I'll ever be good enough to do something great with it. I know, skills takes practice, and I try so hard, but it just doesn't seem to be enough.
It's getting to me, and I've had a serious talk with myself. 
I'm done.

Not completely, but I just ... I need to stop trying to write for people to read and only write for myself. It's so friggin' hard to do, because of course I want people to feel the same happiness about my writing as I do, but it's just not happening. 

I'm not gonna stop writing, but I'm gonna stop sharing. No one cares. It's not that good, so it's fine. 
I don't know if it's gonna be everlasting, but I think I need to set a date for a period of not sharing. A year? Half a year? Give myself a period of time to learn to be enough for myself.

First, I'll take a break. Stop writing. Maybe reach out to an old RPG-partner and write some rpg, the pressure is none-existing when rpg'ing. I'd like something - someone - new to play with (she's very ... controlling about the plot and always tries to spin it in weird directions without asking), but then we're going to a whole new place of inadequacy. Social skills and friends and stuff, and I can't handle that right now.

I'm gonna try reading instead. Yesterday I finished the last of the Colter Shaw series, and I actually made a profile on Nextory. The first 14 days are free, so I'm gonna try it.
First book up - The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. I've wanted to read it for a while, and right now I really think I need it. There's also Everything is Fucked. 

I'm so tired.

One positive thing from this week though: I got praised at dog training. I really needed that. The doggo and I are doing pretty great and someone was very impressed by my calm and patience. Thank you. I'll hold on to that.

Right now I'm gonna bury myself under my duvet in the couch and take a breather. Maybe a nap. Maybe some TV. We'll see.

Honestly, I'm not sure, how I'm doing these day. I think I might be dissociating a bit. Just going without feeling too much until Monday. I know, it sounds awful, I mean, it's hubby vacation, but we just want to make the most of it and that really eats away at my energy and everything else. And I feel so bad, because I know I'm the driving power behind most of what we do. But I feel like we have to do all the stuff we can't do normally. To me it's just as much because I'm trapped at home when he takes the car with him to work, so I have to do a lot of the things I can't do every day.

The only thing I know is, I'm gonna be mentally exhausted the next couple of weeks. I just hope it doesn't turn to depression. I can be tired and happy, right?
Yeah, right. I'm already fighting sad feelings.

I have this chronic feeling of never being good enough. It's nothing new. It gets worse when I'm not actively maintaining my "habits" (I completely recognize myself in the ADHD-trait of not being able to have natural habits - everything is a choice and have to be actively done). I'm trying to do my to-do-list every day, but ... yeah. Nothing is what it should be when hubby is home, and I feel bad for struggling so much when he's home for so long.
I know it's something that comes with both autism and ADHD, feeling like lesser of a person, underneath everybody else. I just wish I could fight it more than I do. But I guess that's trauma.
My brain points at every little thing I could do better and hits me in the face with it. The anxiety that comes with it is ... not fun.

Five days to Monday and a normal week.

Tonight I'm starting a new course at dog training. They sent out a mail, tonight is without dogs, it's human education. It's fine, I just feel way to tired to be the one in the spotlight, not my doggo. And I know I'm not just gonna stand in the back, I can't help myself, I need to participate. Sigh.
But I'm looking forward to it anyway, there's a lot of people from our old introduction course, and they're nice people. It's gonna be good seeing them again.

Tomorrow I've got an appointment at an optician. It's been three years since I last got my eyesight checked out (not counting the visits to the doctors, but it's not the same), and I probably need new glasses. The last time there was a big difference. I hope I can get approved for a loan, because I do not have the money for new glasses. 
I'm nervous. Not just for the price tag, but new glasses? I hate change, though I also feel like it's time for something new, but will I choose something good? Hubby is not gonna be any help, so it's up to me and the optician. It's one of these days I wish I could bring a friend.

We went to a small zoo yesterday. It was an amazing experience. They're small, but they have A LOT of animals they don't have in any other Danish zoo or park. I had a blast, and we almost got to see them all. It was a very nice place and I'm definitely going back! My best friend wants to come. Yay! I love going to the zoo or museums with friends and share my enthusiasm!
I got to see a New World Porcupine up close. Very close! I love porcupines! Best day ever!

Okay, I'll stop rambling. I have to figure out what to do for the next four hours. I'd like to do something productive, but honestly I'm tired. Maybe I should just give in, watch tv and knit. The other opportunity is puzzle and music. I'm trying to find some new music, and apparently I'm into bossbeat and rebel blues, so I'm browsing for new artists.
I should be writing. But not today. 

My brain is not in a good mood.
My back is hurting and being stiff, I'm still tired and it's that time of the month. Again. 

And my hubby is home the next three weeks. Vacation time! I really looked forward to it, even though I knew it would be exhausting. I just didn't know I would be this dead half through the fist week!
I love spending time with him, but him being home all the time fucks with my daily effort of having a routine, and it just so ... My autism really need that routine. My brain gets cooked from this uncertainty of "what are we supposed to do now?".

I just have to make the best of it. Today we having "me´time", which means we don't have plans together, except for cooking dinner. So I've been working through my daily to do-list and I hope to have enough energy to write a bit. I think I'll take a shower when I'm done writing this. In hopes my back would ease up a bit.

I have this lingering feeling of feeling guilty. For not doing or being enough. Yesterday I had to ask my hubby a couple of time if he was mad because I had slept a bit late and we went out the door later than planned. Of course he assured me he wasn't, but ... sigh.

Today I'm gonna rest and tomorrow ... yeah, tomorrow.
I'm gonna text the agility instructor and say I'm coming tomorrow. And then hope we'll be enough! I really wanna start! And the dog really needs some fun.
But.
I have a phone call in the morning.
My mother in law told me about what's called a "bekymringssamtale" (a concern conversation), which is where relatives can have a talk with someones doctor. And I really need to put some of the pressure of my moms well-being on someone else. So I called the doctors office last week and I have an appointment via phone tomorrow.
I feel guilty for going behind her back, but she wont listen to me. And honestly I don't have the spoons for being the only one keeping an eye on her or taking the responsibility. I can barely take care of my self.
I know, there's not much the doctor can do if my mom don't want to. But I need to do this.

I need a nap. I slept very well, but I'm completely pooped. I feel crossed-eyed. 

But first a shower!

And then I hope I have a few brain cells left for writing. I could also beta read - I've been editing someones entry to the smut-submission and ... actually I'm a bit afraid of sending it back, because holy skull-emoji I've never done anything like this. I really went deep and I've made so many corrections and suggestions and I'm nervous about if it makes any sense or how it will be received. I mean, I'm very far from pro. But I just ... I did like my own beta does (She's an actual editor).
I've spend many hours on these six pages (now seven, spaces, people, spaces!) and I'm not done yet. I should just get done with it, but after some days without writing, I really wanna go back to Mason and Emi.

Oh well. 
I hope I'm not as tired tomorrow. 
If a shower doesn't help I'll probably start reading the last of the Colter Shaw series. I've watched way too much telly these days.
Or maybe I should nap. I just hate napping during the day (no I don,t I sleep like a baby, but it fucks with my sleep rhythm).

I should send a text.

What an awful weather. It's icky and thick and I hate it.
Where's the summer? It has only been one real summer day this summer, it's nuts!
And now it's raining. Again. I hope it clears the air a bit.

I'm having some bad days. My mood have just been right down the crapper, and it's self-perpetuating. 
"Omg, I'm in a bad mood, why can't I just enjoy life?!" So on and so forth.
I'm ADHD, and I have a really hard time remembering and such, but I've come to realize I always have downward mood swings when it's that time of the month. I know it's normal, but geez, sometimes is worse than others.
This one hits hard, I must say.

It doesn't help I've been home alone all weekend. I really want to enjoy it, I don't mind being alone. I like the peace. Even though I've been with my hubby for over 15 years, I'm still masking a little around him. I don't think it'll go away entirely with anybody. The life of autism I guess.
But him not being here is always a risk, because he's my happy place. No matter what he makes me smile. And make me forget how hard it is to fit into this world.
Aaand he doesn't need as much sleep as I, so usually he gets up early to take the dog out in the morning so I can get some sleep. Not this weekend and I'm tired as fuck. Not just of lack of sleep, but the heat earlier this week ruined my nights.
At least I've been sleeping like a baby these couple of nights, but just not enough.

There's a 24 hour writing marathon on the writer's Discord sever I'm on. I knew I wasn't really up for it. I really tried hyping my self, but after a pretty not-fun start yesterday and the realisation a lot of it was going to be on the voice channel I just ... gave up. I'm just too tired.

As I said, I'm ADHD, and one thing that crashes my mood in an instant is RSD. Rejection Sensitivity Disorder. Most ADHD-people know what it is, if not by name, then by it's pure ugly existence. Some have it just a little and some have it bad. I'm in the bad-end of it. Not the worst, but it impacts my life most days. And I know it affects every relationship I have with people. Luckily not as much regarding my hubby, I feel safe with him, but everybody else.
And not just physical people, but perceived people and social interactions. 
As we say in Danish, brændt barn skyr ilden (a burnt child avoids the fire), and I pull away from stuff where i feel like rejection or criticism could occur. 
Anyhow, one ignored (or perceived ignored) message this morning and I'm out. I know it's not ... you now, malicious, but it feels that way, like a lot, and I know it's the RSD. But logic and feelings doesn't always match, and the though I had of trying to join the writing event just magically disappeared in a stinking cloud of poisonous gas.

I'm too tired to even try to get over the feeling, so I'm just gonna write this and then take a break from the internet.

I wish I'd known about RSD (well, my ADHD and autism in general) years ago. I've lost a lot of people throughout my life because of the hurting created by perceived rejection or criticism. 
Well, knowing what it is only helps a bit, because it doesn't stop the feeling. Knowing what gravity is doesn't stop things from falling either.

Btw, I had to give my mom some 'adult scolding' Friday. She sent me a picture of her neighbor she had taken without the neighbor's knowledge, an that is very far from okay.  It's illegal and the moral of it is just wow. Mom, wtf?
My mom is clearly not well. I'm pretty sure I got my autism from her. Hers is just so bad it manifests like narcissistic personality disorder (a shrink told me this is possible). And I think she's spiraling down the dementia brain rot.
She's manipulative, selfish and have no shred of empathy. And I don't know if it's because I've become and adult and can see it clearer or if it's because it's gotten worse, but holy Mandalorian, it's bad.
It's just impossible to get help. And I don't know what to do.
My MIL told me I could call my mom's doctor and let them know somethings wrong (they can't tell my mom I called), but I don't know who my mom's doctor is. I'll have to try to figure that out. And the can't do shit but keep an eye on her when she visits.

Oh well.
No contact is not an option. She made it very clear to me at an early age (like 16 or 17 I think), that she'll jump of the flat earth if she didn't have me. I know, it's manipulative and all that, but I think there's some truth to it and I just can't. I just have to handle it.

On a more positive note (omg, let's change the subject) - I've actually read a book! A whole god damn book! In TWO fucking days!
My AuDHD gives me anxiety reading books. Have since high school. But I watched Tracker and it's based on a novel by Jeffery Deaver, and I liked the series so much I decides to give the book a try. Bough it as an ebook on Google.
It's really good - for adults of course, but the English is not difficult and it's well written. 
I'm gonna buy the next one now and spend the rest of the day reading. I really don't have any energy for anything else. 

Yes. I just need to relax today. Hubby will be home later. 
It's still vacation for me. I want to start agility on Thursday, but I've allowed my self to chance my mind and start next week instead. We'll see. I'm just so damn tired all the time.

Time to fix myself something to drink, find some snacks and start reading!

It is with pride I can say I've been writing.
It. Feels. So. Good.

There's a submission call for smut on the Discord server and I had an idea. Oh well, it turned non-con-ish, so that's out the window, but the most important thing is, it got me writing. I haven't finished it yet, but I probably will. And then I have to figure out something else, though I'm not sure I'll submit anything.
I don't feel comfortable sharing any smut, and I've been thinking about why. I guess I'm terrified of being judged by my thoughts on the matter. I don't feel comfortable talking about "the naughties" (thanks Cliccy) irl, so ... yeah. But I'm not a not-smut-person. I don't have a problem with sex in my head, it's just the talking and sharing part that scares me shitless.

I already feel panic-y writing this.

I want to learn not to be this fucking scared of what people think.
I'm so fucking afraid of being perceived. And perceived in a bad way.

Another reason why I have so much trouble with people and going out into the world and just be me.

And just write. I feel like people are gonna judge me hard on everything I write.

Oh well.

It's just not smut I've been writing. I read something on FB today about humans and aliens and something just turned on in my head. It's not even related, but I'm working on some sci-fi-shortstory, and suddenly I just wanted to work on that.
So I read the one I've already written (well, the last part is just dialogue - I wrote most of it at The Great Nordic Word War (24 hours of war between the Nordics to see who can write the most - but it's there!) and I freaking love it. It's very rare I like something I've made this much, but I just love the characters, the setting and the narrative. 
I've been editing and rewriting for hours today and it's amazing. I'm having a hard time putting it down, but my brain is mush. There's another day tomorrow! I just hope the hype lasts!
I really want to finish this. And write all the other shortstories with the same two persons, Seik and Rhemis. Rhemis is a soldier in The Intergalactic Federation and Seik is a run-away slave fighting for the resistance. Think American history rather than Star Wars. Or maybe a mix. Seik is a talker with a lot of humor and Rhemis is more of a thinker and a serious man. 
In this story they shoot each other down on a radioactive moon and have to work together to survive. 
I love the way they interact with each other. The threats and the humanity underneath the mutual hate.

I just love when enemies are forced to work together and see the other side.
Yeah. I want my smut to be enemies to lovers or at least friends to lovers. I just haven't figured out how.
And no, so far no smut in the shortstory with Seik and Rhemis. They don't have time, they have to survive!

I think I'm finally on the right track mentally. I'm still tired, but it's better.

I feel like vacation is coming. Wednesday I have the yearly checkup at the hospital for my diabetes and then... nothing. No plans for a couple of weeks! Well, it probably wont last, but right now... vacation! I need that shit.

My MILs dog was put to sleep today. She had a tumor and it just took a really bad turn today so the vet came and that was it. MIL called me and cried, and I just can't handle something like that, but I tried. I'm sad too, it was a weird dog, but very sweet and special. We had her on vacation a couple of times and I'm gonna miss her.
And I can't even tell my dog her friend is dead.

I should go to bed. We finally had some summer days, but it means a really hot bedroom and I like to sleep cold. I've been sleeping without ear plugs for some nights and that doesn't help, but I had some ear-pain. I think it's over and I'm gonna try the plugs tonight. I sleep so much better with them.

I'm having a mental tickle. My brain is itching to write and make stuff, and I'm sad writing is so slooow. I wish I could draw. Fast. Just to get some of the need to express myself and give life to the feelings and pictures in my mind.
And it just seems a lot easier to draw a single picture rather than have to write a whole damn scene for a single "frame".
But that's just how it is. I can't draw for shit and it's okay. But I do envy the artists out there!

Oh well! Time for bed! The faster I sleep the faster I can return to work on Seik and Rhemis!

I feel like I'm too tired to exist. Not in any dying kind-a-way, just ... I just want to sink into the couch or my bed and rest and sleep and not have to be an adult.
I can't remember the last time I was so exhausted.

Today I have dog-training and Saturday it's the big day, where we're going to the final test for the introduction class. Our instructor already said we're an automatic pass, because we're doing so well, but I don't know. I haven't been training at home, because I'm so tired.
I'm gonna ask her today what she thinks. Should we come, even though we can't do all the exercises?
Next Tuesday is the last time in this class. It's so sad, I really love the instructors and my teammates, but I look forward to try something new.
And I really look forward to some vacation. I hope this burnout doesn't last the whole summer.

I finished a shawl Sunday. Finally a finished project! It could have been bigger, but I don't have anymore of that yarn and it's fine. I love the colors and I'll try to actually use it, but I wouldn't be surprised if I gave it away.
I've sewn one side of my sweater together, it wasn't that bad, it just took forever! I have sewing. I was thinking of doing the other half today, but nah. Maybe tomorrow.
I already wanna start something new, but I'm gonna stick to my list of UFOs. I really need to feel like I can finish stuff.
I have another ball of the same yarn as for the shawl, just in another color. I'm looking forward to start something up with it at some point. I absolutely love that yarn! (it's Winter Glow from Hobbii).

Today I spend some money, even though I shouldn't. But I discovered there's a twin to my Paperblanks notebook. I have the Firebird, and there's a Skybird! I just had to have it, and I ended up buying a puzzle and another notebook with Asterix and Obelix. Pure nostalgia, I read the comics as a child.
Bad me, but I feel like pampering myself a bit. I mean, I feel like I'm dying.

I haven't been working on Skyggefarer at all for days. Nor anything else. I have no brain. I wish I did, I really wanna do something related to writing. but I'm so friggin' tired.
Instead I've watched three seasons of Sleepy Hollow. I don't think I'll watch the fourth. No spoilers, but it just seems weird making another season after how the third ended?
Instead I watched some S.W.A.T. with my best friend on Friday and now I'm knee deep into Justified with Timothy Olyphant. I love that guy. And it's pretty good! I love the dry humor and the characters. Kentucky seems like a wild place to live 😜

Oh well. Now I'm gonna get some lunch and then crawl back to the couch. Maybe take a nap. If I'm gonna drive myself to training, I think I need some sleep.

I really, really need some time off. I wish I had the opportunity to go to a summer house for a week and just... Be me. Well, I would have to bring the dog, but that's okay. But shit that's expensive and I have stuff to do. Had it been out of season I might have given it a thought (it's cheaper then), but I just have to try to relax at home.

Shit.
Napping sounds great right now.