Burnout

[aries_buckhorn]

I just feel alone.
I know it's a common autistic/ADHD trait, the feeling you don't belong anywhere, but it doesn't make it less real.
I mean, I don't write at the moment, so I'm not a part of the server for writers on Discord. And even though I'm doing the play-by-post rpg, I don't feel like a part of that community either. They all know each other and have clearly been playing for a long time. I knew it would be like that, but I really needed a creative outlet, and I promised myself to walk away if it started to effect my mood too much. Not yet, I've just started, but we'll see.

It doesn't help that I've completely lost grip. I'm so tired, both mentally and physically. I can't do anything. I sleep way too much, and I get nothing done. 
I still think it's burnout, the very nasty kind, but I promised my chiropractor - my chiropractor of all people! - that I'll call the doctor's office next week if things haven't improved. She was worried about my vitamin D, B12 and iron. I already take vitamin D, but yeah, the thought did cross my mind, I'm just not very keen on doctors (even though they're free to visit), and the last time I was this tired, my doctor, the hospital's diabetes department and psychiatric argued for over a month about why I was tired without any solution and then it just slowly went away by itself. That was before my AuDHD-diagnosis, mind you, so ... 
I don't know. I'm just so very tired I feel like I could sleep for days and still not feel any better.

It's by the way pretty telling it's my chiropractor who's the one telling me to do something. Of course hubby is worried, but I keep telling him I think it's burnout and he trusts me. My mom ... well, I think she was more worried about not getting something I had of hers, which hubby delivered Friday (and got shanghaied into doing stuff for her on the computer, getting something out of the celler depot and even taking her for a drive in the new car). 

So. Atm I'm spending my time writing rpg, sleeping and reading. I'm still blown away how ... naturally I just started reading again. I mean, my autistic ass has been overwhelmed by anxiety since my high school days every time I picked up a book, and now ... I'm just reading. I would laugh-cry about it, if I wasn't so damn tired.
I tried the free period at Nextory and I read for 31 hours in 11 days. Now I've paid for the Premium membership, which gives me 100 hours a month. Let's see if I need the Unlimited one, idk. I hope I'll start writing again some day and don't have time to read that much.

Writing. I really wanna write, rpg is not consistent enough to scratch the itch, but I'm too tired and I just ... I feel like I've given up at this point. I even hate every word I write in my rpg, which usually isn't a problem.
I hope I one day reach a point where I can give myself some grace, but at the moment the rest of my life is so (I wouldn't say bad, but you know, non-satisfying), I cant.
I'm the Jack of all trades, and even that I don't excel at. I'm more of a blind mole-rat without legs.

Tomorrow is dog training day, but I don't think I'm well enough to drive. Awake enough. I don't want to ask hubby, because he can't just drive off again, I need the car. I don't know. I really need to go, it's the only place I feel like I belong at the moment. 
I wrote the homework down on Facebook and I got praise. And I just ... maybe dog training is the one thing I could be good at? Not yet, I'm still very green, but ... yeah ...
We'll see. Hubby would be sweet and amazing enough to drive me even though he has to entertain himself for a couple of hours.

Right now I have to haul my ass out the door and take doggo for a walk. And then I'll aim for the couch and the rest of this crime novel. It's pretty good. It's number three out of four (so far) and the first one was the writer's debut. It's just nice to see the improvements he does as he keeps writing. This one is the best of them and I'm looking forward to the next one.
And thereafter I think I'll read some fantasy. See if my mind can handle that. I don't know what yet, I've been out of the loop for years, and I want to read something for adults. 

Oh well. Time for my daily dose of fresh air and nature.

**Edit**
I just want to say, I know to have and to get friends you have to reach out. You have to put in and effort to make new connections, but I'm really bad at it. I've been burned so many times, and I'm way to quick to think people are friends when they're not. 
And I just don't know how to do it. I'm introverted, I'm autistic and I'm just afraid of people.
Like, there's this one person from rpg I really wanna talk to more. She lives in the city next to us and she seems so nice, have a dog and likes nature. I really wanna try to see if we could connect, but she hasn't really seemed like she wanna talk to me and I just shy away without really trying.
I somewhat just wanna write to her and say "Hey, I wanna get to know you", but I don't think that's how normal people do it.
Idk. 
I don't mind being alone, I just hate feeling alone. And when my brain tells me I'm not a part of anything I feel very alone.

I'm looking forward to be with friends. S. this month and A. next month. I really miss A., she's more of a sister, but atm we don't really talk (it's not a bad thing, we just have other stuff on our minds). Sigh.