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And that's okay
Aug. 29th, 2025 10:16 pmI need to do an update on the last post.
First of all I need to make it clear, this is my place to rant. I do not have anyone to share my depressed thoughts with (mostly because I don't want people in my life to be worried or think less of me), and I made this account to write down things in my head. I know, I could do it privately, but it's just not the same. That would be an empty echo-chamber.
Second of all, depression does not mean hatred of life or completely giving up. It's a state of mind to be worked with, and I do that. I accept it is a thing, wallow in it for a day or two and then start processing. Why do I feel this way, and what can I do about it?
And mostly I just need to hit rock bottom before I can start climbing back up.
With that out of the way...
I just inhaled a book. Metaphorically, of course.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck turned out to be a page-turner. I don't really like self-help guides. Often they are written by people who want to sell stuff. "Do this and buy this and think this way and everything will be amazing".
But the premise of this book is "Not everything will be okay, ever, and that's okay", and I really like that. Thinking anything else is just make-believe.
I'm gonna read it again, this time slower and while taking notes. There was a lot of good points and wise words.
It's not a "Holy cow, I'm saved"-moment, but I do think working with the generel idea behind it could change something.
It's about choosing your battles, taking responsibility and accepting the negatives in life. Turn your focus to the things that matters and embrace mediocrity.
I need every part of that.
Mostly I need a therapist, but money is a thing, you know?
I'll settle for the journal he has made in extension of the book. It's a good place to start as any.
One of the things he highlights is "Do it". That I need to learn. Stop worrying, just do it. You will never move forward if you don't just do it.
It's all good and well, I just need to give myself some grace. I do have both ADHD and autism, and I do suffer from it. No energy. But maybe if I start choosing the battles I can find some energy. Idk. I'm gonna think about it.
All this hasn't changed my mind about the spicy short story btw. I've accepted defeat and it's okay. I think I should prioritize taking care of myself, and that includes not piling on my already fragile mind and draining myself of the non-existing energy.
I should cancel my mother's visit next weekend too, but that is still up in the air. I just want it over with, so I don't have to worry about it until Christmas.
I'm just tired of being the one to blame for us never seeing each other, when she doesn't invite us to her home. She doesn't wanna do the work, clean, cook and all that. But I have to? Fuck that. But I can't really do anything about it.
Oh well!
I'm not okay, but I'm alive and I'm gonna get better. Maybe not tomorrow, but I'll get there.
Right now I'm gonna climb into bed with clean sheets and get a hopefully good night's sleep.
And then I'll take a closer look at life tomorrow. Maybe while walking in a forest with hubby and doggo. Sounds good, right? Even if it (finally) rains. Holy shit our lawn has died.
First of all I need to make it clear, this is my place to rant. I do not have anyone to share my depressed thoughts with (mostly because I don't want people in my life to be worried or think less of me), and I made this account to write down things in my head. I know, I could do it privately, but it's just not the same. That would be an empty echo-chamber.
Second of all, depression does not mean hatred of life or completely giving up. It's a state of mind to be worked with, and I do that. I accept it is a thing, wallow in it for a day or two and then start processing. Why do I feel this way, and what can I do about it?
And mostly I just need to hit rock bottom before I can start climbing back up.
With that out of the way...
I just inhaled a book. Metaphorically, of course.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck turned out to be a page-turner. I don't really like self-help guides. Often they are written by people who want to sell stuff. "Do this and buy this and think this way and everything will be amazing".
But the premise of this book is "Not everything will be okay, ever, and that's okay", and I really like that. Thinking anything else is just make-believe.
I'm gonna read it again, this time slower and while taking notes. There was a lot of good points and wise words.
It's not a "Holy cow, I'm saved"-moment, but I do think working with the generel idea behind it could change something.
It's about choosing your battles, taking responsibility and accepting the negatives in life. Turn your focus to the things that matters and embrace mediocrity.
I need every part of that.
Mostly I need a therapist, but money is a thing, you know?
I'll settle for the journal he has made in extension of the book. It's a good place to start as any.
One of the things he highlights is "Do it". That I need to learn. Stop worrying, just do it. You will never move forward if you don't just do it.
It's all good and well, I just need to give myself some grace. I do have both ADHD and autism, and I do suffer from it. No energy. But maybe if I start choosing the battles I can find some energy. Idk. I'm gonna think about it.
All this hasn't changed my mind about the spicy short story btw. I've accepted defeat and it's okay. I think I should prioritize taking care of myself, and that includes not piling on my already fragile mind and draining myself of the non-existing energy.
I should cancel my mother's visit next weekend too, but that is still up in the air. I just want it over with, so I don't have to worry about it until Christmas.
I'm just tired of being the one to blame for us never seeing each other, when she doesn't invite us to her home. She doesn't wanna do the work, clean, cook and all that. But I have to? Fuck that. But I can't really do anything about it.
Oh well!
I'm not okay, but I'm alive and I'm gonna get better. Maybe not tomorrow, but I'll get there.
Right now I'm gonna climb into bed with clean sheets and get a hopefully good night's sleep.
And then I'll take a closer look at life tomorrow. Maybe while walking in a forest with hubby and doggo. Sounds good, right? Even if it (finally) rains. Holy shit our lawn has died.
