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The Humid/-an Soup
Jul. 6th, 2025 10:25 amWhat an awful weather. It's icky and thick and I hate it.
Where's the summer? It has only been one real summer day this summer, it's nuts!
And now it's raining. Again. I hope it clears the air a bit.
I'm having some bad days. My mood have just been right down the crapper, and it's self-perpetuating.
"Omg, I'm in a bad mood, why can't I just enjoy life?!" So on and so forth.
I'm ADHD, and I have a really hard time remembering and such, but I've come to realize I always have downward mood swings when it's that time of the month. I know it's normal, but geez, sometimes is worse than others.
This one hits hard, I must say.
It doesn't help I've been home alone all weekend. I really want to enjoy it, I don't mind being alone. I like the peace. Even though I've been with my hubby for over 15 years, I'm still masking a little around him. I don't think it'll go away entirely with anybody. The life of autism I guess.
But him not being here is always a risk, because he's my happy place. No matter what he makes me smile. And make me forget how hard it is to fit into this world.
Aaand he doesn't need as much sleep as I, so usually he gets up early to take the dog out in the morning so I can get some sleep. Not this weekend and I'm tired as fuck. Not just of lack of sleep, but the heat earlier this week ruined my nights.
At least I've been sleeping like a baby these couple of nights, but just not enough.
There's a 24 hour writing marathon on the writer's Discord sever I'm on. I knew I wasn't really up for it. I really tried hyping my self, but after a pretty not-fun start yesterday and the realisation a lot of it was going to be on the voice channel I just ... gave up. I'm just too tired.
As I said, I'm ADHD, and one thing that crashes my mood in an instant is RSD. Rejection Sensitivity Disorder. Most ADHD-people know what it is, if not by name, then by it's pure ugly existence. Some have it just a little and some have it bad. I'm in the bad-end of it. Not the worst, but it impacts my life most days. And I know it affects every relationship I have with people. Luckily not as much regarding my hubby, I feel safe with him, but everybody else.
And not just physical people, but perceived people and social interactions.
As we say in Danish, brændt barn skyr ilden (a burnt child avoids the fire), and I pull away from stuff where i feel like rejection or criticism could occur.
Anyhow, one ignored (or perceived ignored) message this morning and I'm out. I know it's not ... you now, malicious, but it feels that way, like a lot, and I know it's the RSD. But logic and feelings doesn't always match, and the though I had of trying to join the writing event just magically disappeared in a stinking cloud of poisonous gas.
I'm too tired to even try to get over the feeling, so I'm just gonna write this and then take a break from the internet.
I wish I'd known about RSD (well, my ADHD and autism in general) years ago. I've lost a lot of people throughout my life because of the hurting created by perceived rejection or criticism.
Well, knowing what it is only helps a bit, because it doesn't stop the feeling. Knowing what gravity is doesn't stop things from falling either.
Btw, I had to give my mom some 'adult scolding' Friday. She sent me a picture of her neighbor she had taken without the neighbor's knowledge, an that is very far from okay. It's illegal and the moral of it is just wow. Mom, wtf?
My mom is clearly not well. I'm pretty sure I got my autism from her. Hers is just so bad it manifests like narcissistic personality disorder (a shrink told me this is possible). And I think she's spiraling down the dementia brain rot.
She's manipulative, selfish and have no shred of empathy. And I don't know if it's because I've become and adult and can see it clearer or if it's because it's gotten worse, but holy Mandalorian, it's bad.
It's just impossible to get help. And I don't know what to do.
My MIL told me I could call my mom's doctor and let them know somethings wrong (they can't tell my mom I called), but I don't know who my mom's doctor is. I'll have to try to figure that out. And the can't do shit but keep an eye on her when she visits.
Oh well.
No contact is not an option. She made it very clear to me at an early age (like 16 or 17 I think), that she'll jump of the flat earth if she didn't have me. I know, it's manipulative and all that, but I think there's some truth to it and I just can't. I just have to handle it.
On a more positive note (omg, let's change the subject) - I've actually read a book! A whole god damn book! In TWO fucking days!
My AuDHD gives me anxiety reading books. Have since high school. But I watched Tracker and it's based on a novel by Jeffery Deaver, and I liked the series so much I decides to give the book a try. Bough it as an ebook on Google.
It's really good - for adults of course, but the English is not difficult and it's well written.
I'm gonna buy the next one now and spend the rest of the day reading. I really don't have any energy for anything else.
Yes. I just need to relax today. Hubby will be home later.
It's still vacation for me. I want to start agility on Thursday, but I've allowed my self to chance my mind and start next week instead. We'll see. I'm just so damn tired all the time.
Time to fix myself something to drink, find some snacks and start reading!
Where's the summer? It has only been one real summer day this summer, it's nuts!
And now it's raining. Again. I hope it clears the air a bit.
I'm having some bad days. My mood have just been right down the crapper, and it's self-perpetuating.
"Omg, I'm in a bad mood, why can't I just enjoy life?!" So on and so forth.
I'm ADHD, and I have a really hard time remembering and such, but I've come to realize I always have downward mood swings when it's that time of the month. I know it's normal, but geez, sometimes is worse than others.
This one hits hard, I must say.
It doesn't help I've been home alone all weekend. I really want to enjoy it, I don't mind being alone. I like the peace. Even though I've been with my hubby for over 15 years, I'm still masking a little around him. I don't think it'll go away entirely with anybody. The life of autism I guess.
But him not being here is always a risk, because he's my happy place. No matter what he makes me smile. And make me forget how hard it is to fit into this world.
Aaand he doesn't need as much sleep as I, so usually he gets up early to take the dog out in the morning so I can get some sleep. Not this weekend and I'm tired as fuck. Not just of lack of sleep, but the heat earlier this week ruined my nights.
At least I've been sleeping like a baby these couple of nights, but just not enough.
There's a 24 hour writing marathon on the writer's Discord sever I'm on. I knew I wasn't really up for it. I really tried hyping my self, but after a pretty not-fun start yesterday and the realisation a lot of it was going to be on the voice channel I just ... gave up. I'm just too tired.
As I said, I'm ADHD, and one thing that crashes my mood in an instant is RSD. Rejection Sensitivity Disorder. Most ADHD-people know what it is, if not by name, then by it's pure ugly existence. Some have it just a little and some have it bad. I'm in the bad-end of it. Not the worst, but it impacts my life most days. And I know it affects every relationship I have with people. Luckily not as much regarding my hubby, I feel safe with him, but everybody else.
And not just physical people, but perceived people and social interactions.
As we say in Danish, brændt barn skyr ilden (a burnt child avoids the fire), and I pull away from stuff where i feel like rejection or criticism could occur.
Anyhow, one ignored (or perceived ignored) message this morning and I'm out. I know it's not ... you now, malicious, but it feels that way, like a lot, and I know it's the RSD. But logic and feelings doesn't always match, and the though I had of trying to join the writing event just magically disappeared in a stinking cloud of poisonous gas.
I'm too tired to even try to get over the feeling, so I'm just gonna write this and then take a break from the internet.
I wish I'd known about RSD (well, my ADHD and autism in general) years ago. I've lost a lot of people throughout my life because of the hurting created by perceived rejection or criticism.
Well, knowing what it is only helps a bit, because it doesn't stop the feeling. Knowing what gravity is doesn't stop things from falling either.
Btw, I had to give my mom some 'adult scolding' Friday. She sent me a picture of her neighbor she had taken without the neighbor's knowledge, an that is very far from okay. It's illegal and the moral of it is just wow. Mom, wtf?
My mom is clearly not well. I'm pretty sure I got my autism from her. Hers is just so bad it manifests like narcissistic personality disorder (a shrink told me this is possible). And I think she's spiraling down the dementia brain rot.
She's manipulative, selfish and have no shred of empathy. And I don't know if it's because I've become and adult and can see it clearer or if it's because it's gotten worse, but holy Mandalorian, it's bad.
It's just impossible to get help. And I don't know what to do.
My MIL told me I could call my mom's doctor and let them know somethings wrong (they can't tell my mom I called), but I don't know who my mom's doctor is. I'll have to try to figure that out. And the can't do shit but keep an eye on her when she visits.
Oh well.
No contact is not an option. She made it very clear to me at an early age (like 16 or 17 I think), that she'll jump of the flat earth if she didn't have me. I know, it's manipulative and all that, but I think there's some truth to it and I just can't. I just have to handle it.
On a more positive note (omg, let's change the subject) - I've actually read a book! A whole god damn book! In TWO fucking days!
My AuDHD gives me anxiety reading books. Have since high school. But I watched Tracker and it's based on a novel by Jeffery Deaver, and I liked the series so much I decides to give the book a try. Bough it as an ebook on Google.
It's really good - for adults of course, but the English is not difficult and it's well written.
I'm gonna buy the next one now and spend the rest of the day reading. I really don't have any energy for anything else.
Yes. I just need to relax today. Hubby will be home later.
It's still vacation for me. I want to start agility on Thursday, but I've allowed my self to chance my mind and start next week instead. We'll see. I'm just so damn tired all the time.
Time to fix myself something to drink, find some snacks and start reading!
