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I should not be sitting here typing, but my anxiety is acting up and I hope writing stuff down helps.
First of all - Hi! Long time, no see.
Even though I'm supposed to write about my mental state and all that, I always have a hard time telling about it when I'm really low. I guess it's the feeling of ... you know, bringing people down with my own stuff. Taking up space and being a load on people's lives. Idk. I just haven't felt like sharing.
So, that sets the tone, right? I'm depressed and overwhelmed.
The worst part is I've given myself some extra stress lately, some strain I really shouldn't have. But it's not all bad. Just ... I don't know if it's good or bad.
I've started roleplaying. Play-by-post. It's sooo addictive. My ADHD love these quick dopamin fixes. But it's also very time-consuming and a lot of hard work. And I feel like it takes too much of my time. But at the same time, it's nice to have something to do.
I can't really control myself. I went in thinking I should only have one(!) character, and now I'm in the process of making number four. Fuck me. It's not like I can't handle it, but I feel so ashamed exceeding my own limit. I know it's ridicules, it's my own rule, no one cares.
But that's just how it always is every time I don't do as I thought I should.
Anyway, roleplaying comes with a whole community. And ... it's nice, you know, having someone to share your passion and ideas with. I just have one problem, I have so much trauma from these communities, it's hard to enjoy.
But I might have found a new friend? We connect about other stuff too, she's neurospicy too and I feel like we talk very well. Idk. I hope so! I have no idea if I met her somewhere else, but so far nothing rings a bell so I hope we start on a clean slate.
One thing that always breaks me in these communities, no matter which, is the feeling of not belonging. I'm never one of the group.
I logically know it's rooted in my autism, but the feeling has only been reinforced so much throughout time I really can't shake it. I'm always on the outside, never the one people are happy to see or wants to engage with. I'm the weird one, the problematic one, the one who never really integrate. The one who says weird stuff or gets too much.
On top of that I'm so afraid of people I don't really try to break that feeling, because it keeps me from getting too hurt. And I don't, by myself, take the initiative to insert myself or take contact. It's just very self-perpetuating.
And at some point I just ... fade away. Walk away. Stop believing I could belong in any way and just go back to be only me.
I really hate it and I have no idea how to break that circle.
But sometimes I come away with a friend. I think it's how it's gonna be this time.
But at the moment I'm gonna throw myself into this world, make characters and have fun with the plotting.
I just never feel like I'm good enough or doing enough, even in this, which should be fun and games...
One of the funny (or sad, depends) things I've noticed is, the two first characters mirror myself a lot. The first one are having problems with depression and feeling alone. The other is suffering from heartbreak and depression (and PTSD, but that's not me). I don't have a heartbreak per say, but somehow I do. I feel like I lost a friend by not being able to write at the moment.
Well, it got too sad so my third character was a bad guy and the fourth is a bit more ... level. Normal. With a sound mind and a warriors path.
Oh well! Enough about that.
This weekend I went to a gathering of writers from the Discord server I'm on. The feeling I just described was strong, but anyway, I had a good time, even though I just didn't have the energy to engage that much. I didn't talk as much as I usually do, but it seemed like everybody else had something together, knew each others projects and could talk mutually, and it was fine just sitting there listening and knitting.
And I did bring something to the table, literally, since I brought both presents and cookies. It was a hit! I was happy.
And there was homemade buns and a pumpkin pie, which was amazing.
Very good company and food. I was very tired when my hubby picked me up, I almost slept in the car on our way home.
Today my best friend is coming to visit. She's getting a tattoo (two, actually) tomorrow in the big city near me, so she's staying until Wednesday. That's gonna be hard, but also very, very lovely. I miss her so much. And it's her birthday tomorrow! She hates celebrating, so we go out to eat today and low-key just enjoy ourselves tomorrow.
The house is almost clean, which is good, she just announced a change of plans and is coming a couple of hours earlier than expected. It's fine. I should just stop typing now!
I'm gonna walk the dog now and then panic over the last of the cleaning. Sounds like a fun Monday!
And spend too much time thinking about my new character. I'm using Jesse Lee Soffer as the faceclaim. Tehe.
First of all - Hi! Long time, no see.
Even though I'm supposed to write about my mental state and all that, I always have a hard time telling about it when I'm really low. I guess it's the feeling of ... you know, bringing people down with my own stuff. Taking up space and being a load on people's lives. Idk. I just haven't felt like sharing.
So, that sets the tone, right? I'm depressed and overwhelmed.
The worst part is I've given myself some extra stress lately, some strain I really shouldn't have. But it's not all bad. Just ... I don't know if it's good or bad.
I've started roleplaying. Play-by-post. It's sooo addictive. My ADHD love these quick dopamin fixes. But it's also very time-consuming and a lot of hard work. And I feel like it takes too much of my time. But at the same time, it's nice to have something to do.
I can't really control myself. I went in thinking I should only have one(!) character, and now I'm in the process of making number four. Fuck me. It's not like I can't handle it, but I feel so ashamed exceeding my own limit. I know it's ridicules, it's my own rule, no one cares.
But that's just how it always is every time I don't do as I thought I should.
Anyway, roleplaying comes with a whole community. And ... it's nice, you know, having someone to share your passion and ideas with. I just have one problem, I have so much trauma from these communities, it's hard to enjoy.
But I might have found a new friend? We connect about other stuff too, she's neurospicy too and I feel like we talk very well. Idk. I hope so! I have no idea if I met her somewhere else, but so far nothing rings a bell so I hope we start on a clean slate.
One thing that always breaks me in these communities, no matter which, is the feeling of not belonging. I'm never one of the group.
I logically know it's rooted in my autism, but the feeling has only been reinforced so much throughout time I really can't shake it. I'm always on the outside, never the one people are happy to see or wants to engage with. I'm the weird one, the problematic one, the one who never really integrate. The one who says weird stuff or gets too much.
On top of that I'm so afraid of people I don't really try to break that feeling, because it keeps me from getting too hurt. And I don't, by myself, take the initiative to insert myself or take contact. It's just very self-perpetuating.
And at some point I just ... fade away. Walk away. Stop believing I could belong in any way and just go back to be only me.
I really hate it and I have no idea how to break that circle.
But sometimes I come away with a friend. I think it's how it's gonna be this time.
But at the moment I'm gonna throw myself into this world, make characters and have fun with the plotting.
I just never feel like I'm good enough or doing enough, even in this, which should be fun and games...
One of the funny (or sad, depends) things I've noticed is, the two first characters mirror myself a lot. The first one are having problems with depression and feeling alone. The other is suffering from heartbreak and depression (and PTSD, but that's not me). I don't have a heartbreak per say, but somehow I do. I feel like I lost a friend by not being able to write at the moment.
Well, it got too sad so my third character was a bad guy and the fourth is a bit more ... level. Normal. With a sound mind and a warriors path.
Oh well! Enough about that.
This weekend I went to a gathering of writers from the Discord server I'm on. The feeling I just described was strong, but anyway, I had a good time, even though I just didn't have the energy to engage that much. I didn't talk as much as I usually do, but it seemed like everybody else had something together, knew each others projects and could talk mutually, and it was fine just sitting there listening and knitting.
And I did bring something to the table, literally, since I brought both presents and cookies. It was a hit! I was happy.
And there was homemade buns and a pumpkin pie, which was amazing.
Very good company and food. I was very tired when my hubby picked me up, I almost slept in the car on our way home.
Today my best friend is coming to visit. She's getting a tattoo (two, actually) tomorrow in the big city near me, so she's staying until Wednesday. That's gonna be hard, but also very, very lovely. I miss her so much. And it's her birthday tomorrow! She hates celebrating, so we go out to eat today and low-key just enjoy ourselves tomorrow.
The house is almost clean, which is good, she just announced a change of plans and is coming a couple of hours earlier than expected. It's fine. I should just stop typing now!
I'm gonna walk the dog now and then panic over the last of the cleaning. Sounds like a fun Monday!
And spend too much time thinking about my new character. I'm using Jesse Lee Soffer as the faceclaim. Tehe.
