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Okay, long time since last post.
I'm still very tired. But I think it's improving from here. The day I wrote the last post was probably the worst, but I'm not good yet. Just a bit less tired, a little bit more alive.
I went to the doctor's office on Friday, she agreed it's probably burnout, but took some blood tests. Promised me I would hear from her Monday. Well, I still haven't heard anything. I wrote her a message Wednesday, but it could take a few days. I'm not worried, I could see some of the blood work on an app and it was fine. It's only the in-house tests I can't see.
Today I woke up with a nasty headache which is unlike me. Bad enough for me to take some paracetamol. I think it's coming from my neck/upper back, so I should probably do my exercises.
Last Wednesday I went to dog training and it was nice. I had no problem driving and even though I missed out the week before I wasn't falling behind, since my dog simply loves putting her paws on stuff (she had to stand with her front paws on a tub).
At some point one of our instructors came over and very seriously told me I'm a very good dog trainer. I was flabbergasted and very happy. Made my whole week.
Well, she did one better this week.
As I was packing up my car she came over, was a bit secretive (waited till no one was around) and straight up asked me if I ever considered being an instructor.
My flabbers weren't even gasted, they were blown away.
Yes, I said, because I actually had thought about it in a "when I get older and more experienced"kind-a-way or a "a neurospicy girl can dream"-kind-a-way.
But I really hadn't, you know, thought of it as a thing. But she was very serious and started talking about the process and such (while I probably looked like an idiot with open mouth and a a wtf-look in my eyes). She told me "they" had talked about it (as in not just her and the other instructor on the team, so probably my old ones from the intro-group) and they were really impressed. They thought I had natural talent and I was great at reading the dogs. I should think about it!
I just ... what?!
I don't know how I got home, I was in the skies! When I got home I couldn't even talk I just ran into the living room and started jumping up and down in front of hubby who most likely thought I was having a seizure or something 😂
I don't think anyone have ever said anything this wild and important to me. It's crazy. I can't explain how much this means to me.
I feel like such a failure at almost anything in life and then someone tells me I'm a natural talent. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. So I did both. Hubby thought I lost my mind. I was just so happy. I AM happy!
After calming down a bit I looked into it on their webside. They would like you to have at least two years of training experience and tried out competition, and I have only been training with Kaiza for a year (and two years with our old dog Coco years ago) and I haven't even thought of going to any competition.
But. YES. I would very much like to be an instructor. Just not now. I'm not mentally a place where I can handle it, and I really think I need some more experience.
But it's something I do wanna do. And that in itself is a big thing.
I am on early retirement benefits because I'm autistic and have ADHD. And type 1 diabetes and have a bad back.
It's very nice to have this option, to be deemed unwell enough not to fight for being alive. I really wouldn't be able to handle a job, I can hardly handle every day life.
It's okay to be here. It's not my fault, it's my body and brain and I can't do shit about it.
But it just feels like (what we in Denmark like to call) a bankruptcy declaration. To me anyway, I don't see it as such for everybody else, it's just, you know, the end of the line. There's nothing more to do about your place in society.
And it's fine, really, I'm very grateful being able to live like this. No pressure, just existing.
But I also don't have any goal in life. I don't want children, I can't earn money, I can't dream big of anything.I only have me and that is as sad as it can be.
My childhood dream of being a published author seems lost, I don't think I'll ever be good enough for that, which is a recent realisation, and I'm still hurting from it. Grieving. I'm not giving up on writing, I just... I just need to accept it's never gonna be a thing. I know, I'm only 35 and have a whole life of practicing in front of me, and maybe, if I just keep writing... but I am not a especially hopeful person, and I just don't see it right now.
(Am I depressed? Probably, I always am in some capacity)
So having someone tell me I can do something. That they think I'm very good at something and I have the ability to take it further... it gives me a new goal. A goal in a subject I actually can see myself excel in. I mean, I love dogs, always have, and I like to teach. So being an instructor just seems like a natural goal for me. I just never thought someone would think this for me, if that makes any sense?
I have a goal. It's in the future, but it's a goal.
Well, the happiness lasted until this morning. I don't feel it anymore. The self-doubt is back. Will I ever reach a point in my mental state where something like that wouldn't kill me? I mean, as I said, I can hardly handle a normal day. How can I ever believe I would be able to have a "job" like that? Go though the whole education? Things haven't exactly gotten any better the last couple of years. I don't feel like I'm improving in any way. At all.
I don't know how much time it takes to calm down from life long stress and pressure. Learning, or maybe it's de-learning the society's expectations and find peace in this new life. I've been on early retirement since 2020, so five years. And I've had the diagnose of ADHD since 2019 and autism since 2023.
Will I ever get to a point where I can relax and accept the person I am? Accept my own shortcomings and learn how to say "pyt" (Danish for "it doesn't matter") and not to give a fuck about anything else than my own happiness? (and those around me, of course).
I feel like I should talk to a professionel about this, but I do not have money for that.
It's a long road on my own, but I hope I one day get there. I would very much like to be at peace with myself. Be my unapologetic self. Instead of always thinking of what others want me to be.
I've spent my whole life masking, I just can't let it go overnight.
I fell like I've hit a low atm. Maybe it's a start. I have to build myself up from here. I just don't know where to start.
I'm still very tired. But I think it's improving from here. The day I wrote the last post was probably the worst, but I'm not good yet. Just a bit less tired, a little bit more alive.
I went to the doctor's office on Friday, she agreed it's probably burnout, but took some blood tests. Promised me I would hear from her Monday. Well, I still haven't heard anything. I wrote her a message Wednesday, but it could take a few days. I'm not worried, I could see some of the blood work on an app and it was fine. It's only the in-house tests I can't see.
Today I woke up with a nasty headache which is unlike me. Bad enough for me to take some paracetamol. I think it's coming from my neck/upper back, so I should probably do my exercises.
Last Wednesday I went to dog training and it was nice. I had no problem driving and even though I missed out the week before I wasn't falling behind, since my dog simply loves putting her paws on stuff (she had to stand with her front paws on a tub).
At some point one of our instructors came over and very seriously told me I'm a very good dog trainer. I was flabbergasted and very happy. Made my whole week.
Well, she did one better this week.
As I was packing up my car she came over, was a bit secretive (waited till no one was around) and straight up asked me if I ever considered being an instructor.
My flabbers weren't even gasted, they were blown away.
Yes, I said, because I actually had thought about it in a "when I get older and more experienced"kind-a-way or a "a neurospicy girl can dream"-kind-a-way.
But I really hadn't, you know, thought of it as a thing. But she was very serious and started talking about the process and such (while I probably looked like an idiot with open mouth and a a wtf-look in my eyes). She told me "they" had talked about it (as in not just her and the other instructor on the team, so probably my old ones from the intro-group) and they were really impressed. They thought I had natural talent and I was great at reading the dogs. I should think about it!
I just ... what?!
I don't know how I got home, I was in the skies! When I got home I couldn't even talk I just ran into the living room and started jumping up and down in front of hubby who most likely thought I was having a seizure or something 😂
I don't think anyone have ever said anything this wild and important to me. It's crazy. I can't explain how much this means to me.
I feel like such a failure at almost anything in life and then someone tells me I'm a natural talent. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. So I did both. Hubby thought I lost my mind. I was just so happy. I AM happy!
After calming down a bit I looked into it on their webside. They would like you to have at least two years of training experience and tried out competition, and I have only been training with Kaiza for a year (and two years with our old dog Coco years ago) and I haven't even thought of going to any competition.
But. YES. I would very much like to be an instructor. Just not now. I'm not mentally a place where I can handle it, and I really think I need some more experience.
But it's something I do wanna do. And that in itself is a big thing.
I am on early retirement benefits because I'm autistic and have ADHD. And type 1 diabetes and have a bad back.
It's very nice to have this option, to be deemed unwell enough not to fight for being alive. I really wouldn't be able to handle a job, I can hardly handle every day life.
It's okay to be here. It's not my fault, it's my body and brain and I can't do shit about it.
But it just feels like (what we in Denmark like to call) a bankruptcy declaration. To me anyway, I don't see it as such for everybody else, it's just, you know, the end of the line. There's nothing more to do about your place in society.
And it's fine, really, I'm very grateful being able to live like this. No pressure, just existing.
But I also don't have any goal in life. I don't want children, I can't earn money, I can't dream big of anything.I only have me and that is as sad as it can be.
My childhood dream of being a published author seems lost, I don't think I'll ever be good enough for that, which is a recent realisation, and I'm still hurting from it. Grieving. I'm not giving up on writing, I just... I just need to accept it's never gonna be a thing. I know, I'm only 35 and have a whole life of practicing in front of me, and maybe, if I just keep writing... but I am not a especially hopeful person, and I just don't see it right now.
(Am I depressed? Probably, I always am in some capacity)
So having someone tell me I can do something. That they think I'm very good at something and I have the ability to take it further... it gives me a new goal. A goal in a subject I actually can see myself excel in. I mean, I love dogs, always have, and I like to teach. So being an instructor just seems like a natural goal for me. I just never thought someone would think this for me, if that makes any sense?
I have a goal. It's in the future, but it's a goal.
Well, the happiness lasted until this morning. I don't feel it anymore. The self-doubt is back. Will I ever reach a point in my mental state where something like that wouldn't kill me? I mean, as I said, I can hardly handle a normal day. How can I ever believe I would be able to have a "job" like that? Go though the whole education? Things haven't exactly gotten any better the last couple of years. I don't feel like I'm improving in any way. At all.
I don't know how much time it takes to calm down from life long stress and pressure. Learning, or maybe it's de-learning the society's expectations and find peace in this new life. I've been on early retirement since 2020, so five years. And I've had the diagnose of ADHD since 2019 and autism since 2023.
Will I ever get to a point where I can relax and accept the person I am? Accept my own shortcomings and learn how to say "pyt" (Danish for "it doesn't matter") and not to give a fuck about anything else than my own happiness? (and those around me, of course).
I feel like I should talk to a professionel about this, but I do not have money for that.
It's a long road on my own, but I hope I one day get there. I would very much like to be at peace with myself. Be my unapologetic self. Instead of always thinking of what others want me to be.
I've spent my whole life masking, I just can't let it go overnight.
I fell like I've hit a low atm. Maybe it's a start. I have to build myself up from here. I just don't know where to start.
