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The exhaustion has taken form as a depression, though I don't know if it's just a 'right here, right now'-thing or if it will linger. This year ... well, the last couple of years ... have been way too much. I'm pretty much chronically depressed, but sometimes it just goes up a notch. Or down? Being worse, anyhow.
I'm clinging on to every positive thing, but I just feel like I have nothing to look forward too. Like, something in the future I can focus on.
I just feel so defeated.
And I just want to make clear, I love life. I love so much about it. Sometimes it's just hard to see all the good things, especially when you're dead tired. This is just me venting, I know things will brighten up when I've had some proper rest.
But defeated would be the right word for how I feel atm.
I had someone read my smutty short story I thought of submitting to a spicy submission call, and the respond was ... not good. So I withdrew my name from the google sheets and decided not to participate. I should probably fight for it, but I really don't have the energy for it. I barely got through the first draft.
If it had been just the talk about me not describing the feelings enough or not focusing enough on the main character evolving or whatever, but it came with a whole paragraph of how I should change the plot, and I just ... nah, bro, not gonna do that. I'd rather give up and keep the plot as I want it. It's just a stupid smutty short story for fun, not the next Lord of the Rings.
I want to say it's okay. I did tell myself It was a tryout for me writing smut and it was fun, but I'm not gonna run myself down trying to write something amazing.
But I do feel defeated.
I've had this nagging feeling of ... inadequacy ... towards my skills of writing. I just feel like every positive comes with a 'but ...', and I just don't think I'll ever be good enough to do something great with it. I know, skills takes practice, and I try so hard, but it just doesn't seem to be enough.
It's getting to me, and I've had a serious talk with myself.
I'm done.
Not completely, but I just ... I need to stop trying to write for people to read and only write for myself. It's so friggin' hard to do, because of course I want people to feel the same happiness about my writing as I do, but it's just not happening.
I'm not gonna stop writing, but I'm gonna stop sharing. No one cares. It's not that good, so it's fine.
I don't know if it's gonna be everlasting, but I think I need to set a date for a period of not sharing. A year? Half a year? Give myself a period of time to learn to be enough for myself.
First, I'll take a break. Stop writing. Maybe reach out to an old RPG-partner and write some rpg, the pressure is none-existing when rpg'ing. I'd like something - someone - new to play with (she's very ... controlling about the plot and always tries to spin it in weird directions without asking), but then we're going to a whole new place of inadequacy. Social skills and friends and stuff, and I can't handle that right now.
I'm gonna try reading instead. Yesterday I finished the last of the Colter Shaw series, and I actually made a profile on Nextory. The first 14 days are free, so I'm gonna try it.
First book up - The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. I've wanted to read it for a while, and right now I really think I need it. There's also Everything is Fucked.
I'm so tired.
One positive thing from this week though: I got praised at dog training. I really needed that. The doggo and I are doing pretty great and someone was very impressed by my calm and patience. Thank you. I'll hold on to that.
