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December. It's already December, Christmas is coming, and 2025 is almost over.
Where the hell did this year go?
I mean, it just flew right past me, I didn't do much of what I wanted.
I thought I'd be finished with The Finder's Task by now, but no. Not even close. I'm stuck in the middle.
I had high hopes of losing some weight, but no. At least I'm not gaining any, but I really wanna lose some kilos.
And I dreamed of not having any need for chiropractor, but alas, I'm still in pain.
I can't really say I've reached other goals. I've just been fighting for dear life with burnouts and depression and what have we.
Well, surviving is a success in itself, right? I'm still here, I'm still fighting.
And I think I found a new life goal, which is a big thing.
It's not been all bad, I've had fun times with my dog, still love my hubby more than anything, met new people and I started driving. THAT is pretty cool.
But damn, I'm longing for a more coherent life. Every time I feel like I'm just about to get my shit together, something drops in and smash into everything and sends it flying.
Please, I just want a calm and straight forward year without any big surprises or mental or physical challenges.
Sigh.
I'm not overly tired or depressed at the moment, just ... I don't know. I feel useless, but I think I'm slipping back into some burnout. Too much have happened lately and I need some time to recover. I accept that.
December is never a good month for me, but it seems like the first few weeks are pretty relaxed.
And Christmas seems to consist of one visitor and nothing between that and New Year's. I have to invite my mom for Christmas (she has no one but me), and since it's been so long since we last saw each other I should probably let her stay for three days. I'm already dying just by thinking of it.
I've been exhausted lately, I have been pretty stressed. I just hate when it affect other people. Like I haven't been role playing for a couple of weeks, but I simply haven't had the juice.
I feel like I'm letting people down. But real life comes first and I promised my self to take it slow and not get stressed out about it. So people just have to wait.
At the same time I don't have spoons for a social life. People make me tired. I feel like an alien looking in on their interactions, their way of being and living and I feel so ... detached. Like I'm not a part of anything. I'm floating alone outside this world they live in.
Resentment is a strong word. But I see all these people only talking about themselves, only being able to see their own little bubble, never opening up for others and embracing differences.
I know it's just me not having the mental capacity to contain people.
I know it's because I don't feel like a part of it.
I know it's because I'm mentally burned out.
And I know I'm no different or better. I always talk about myself too. I don't have much else to talk about.
But opening up for the servers on Discord and reading messages... People seems to be standing on their own little islands far from each other and yell over open water. "Look at me!"
Funny things is, I was at a social event Sunday, and one of the younger ones was asking very direct and nice questions about people, and I felt so uncomfortable, even though she didn't ask me anything. She seemed interested, but to me it just felt wrong. And I don't know why.
Maybe we just have been accustomed not to care? Idk. Or maybe she seemed too interested. I react to the weirdest things. Or I was just way too tired. It had been a very, very rough and long day at that point.
Anyway.
I'm trying to rely on myself rather than others, and it's tough.
I try to work on the worldbuilding for Werewolves in Space, but I keep doubting myself and what I do. I've never tried doing anything like this before, never worked this detailed about a sci-fi-setting or having to make so many choices.
But I don't have anyone to ask about it, and I have this idea of not doing so. It's my project, it probably amounts to nothing, and I don't want to hype it up and just fail.
But holy Christmas tree, I feel so alone with it. And I'm torn between wanting to share my thoughts with people, and prove I can do it myself. I just don't know anyone who would have the interest or patience to hear me ramble about it.
Well, my best friend probably would, but she's having a rough time.
And I ... how should I say it. I don't believe in taking up someones time like that. I feel like I've been programmed not to put the spotlight on me. Does it make sense? It should never be about me.
Yeah, I know, I grew up with a mother who always makes thing about her.
And I'm a late diagnosed AuDHD, so I was always told I talk too much.
But I have a hard time logically seeing how much room I can take up.
And when I try?
No one seems to care. Or notice me.
That is probably the worst part.
Sometimes I wish I could have a little fairy sitting on my shoulder and tell me how neurotypicals experience the world and how I can fit in better. "Am I doing this right? How can I navigate this?"
Damn, this got darker than I had planned.
I'm gonna shake it off and take the dog for a walk.
Oh, one thing though.
My Garmin Venu 2s smartwatch is acting up and I actually have money for the newest one, Venu 4. Well, I'm broke if I buy it. It's all I have saved. But I love my watch, and it helps me keep track of my health, steps and sleep. And I don't have my phone in hand to keep an eye on my blood-sugar-levels.
So I'm buying it.
Well, I tried yesterday, but got a mail today that Garmin cancelled my order? Without an explanation on why. I sent them an email. I'm waiting to hear back.
Time for a walk and then my back is telling me to go sit in the couch.
Where the hell did this year go?
I mean, it just flew right past me, I didn't do much of what I wanted.
I thought I'd be finished with The Finder's Task by now, but no. Not even close. I'm stuck in the middle.
I had high hopes of losing some weight, but no. At least I'm not gaining any, but I really wanna lose some kilos.
And I dreamed of not having any need for chiropractor, but alas, I'm still in pain.
I can't really say I've reached other goals. I've just been fighting for dear life with burnouts and depression and what have we.
Well, surviving is a success in itself, right? I'm still here, I'm still fighting.
And I think I found a new life goal, which is a big thing.
It's not been all bad, I've had fun times with my dog, still love my hubby more than anything, met new people and I started driving. THAT is pretty cool.
But damn, I'm longing for a more coherent life. Every time I feel like I'm just about to get my shit together, something drops in and smash into everything and sends it flying.
Please, I just want a calm and straight forward year without any big surprises or mental or physical challenges.
Sigh.
I'm not overly tired or depressed at the moment, just ... I don't know. I feel useless, but I think I'm slipping back into some burnout. Too much have happened lately and I need some time to recover. I accept that.
December is never a good month for me, but it seems like the first few weeks are pretty relaxed.
And Christmas seems to consist of one visitor and nothing between that and New Year's. I have to invite my mom for Christmas (she has no one but me), and since it's been so long since we last saw each other I should probably let her stay for three days. I'm already dying just by thinking of it.
I've been exhausted lately, I have been pretty stressed. I just hate when it affect other people. Like I haven't been role playing for a couple of weeks, but I simply haven't had the juice.
I feel like I'm letting people down. But real life comes first and I promised my self to take it slow and not get stressed out about it. So people just have to wait.
At the same time I don't have spoons for a social life. People make me tired. I feel like an alien looking in on their interactions, their way of being and living and I feel so ... detached. Like I'm not a part of anything. I'm floating alone outside this world they live in.
Resentment is a strong word. But I see all these people only talking about themselves, only being able to see their own little bubble, never opening up for others and embracing differences.
I know it's just me not having the mental capacity to contain people.
I know it's because I don't feel like a part of it.
I know it's because I'm mentally burned out.
And I know I'm no different or better. I always talk about myself too. I don't have much else to talk about.
But opening up for the servers on Discord and reading messages... People seems to be standing on their own little islands far from each other and yell over open water. "Look at me!"
Funny things is, I was at a social event Sunday, and one of the younger ones was asking very direct and nice questions about people, and I felt so uncomfortable, even though she didn't ask me anything. She seemed interested, but to me it just felt wrong. And I don't know why.
Maybe we just have been accustomed not to care? Idk. Or maybe she seemed too interested. I react to the weirdest things. Or I was just way too tired. It had been a very, very rough and long day at that point.
Anyway.
I'm trying to rely on myself rather than others, and it's tough.
I try to work on the worldbuilding for Werewolves in Space, but I keep doubting myself and what I do. I've never tried doing anything like this before, never worked this detailed about a sci-fi-setting or having to make so many choices.
But I don't have anyone to ask about it, and I have this idea of not doing so. It's my project, it probably amounts to nothing, and I don't want to hype it up and just fail.
But holy Christmas tree, I feel so alone with it. And I'm torn between wanting to share my thoughts with people, and prove I can do it myself. I just don't know anyone who would have the interest or patience to hear me ramble about it.
Well, my best friend probably would, but she's having a rough time.
And I ... how should I say it. I don't believe in taking up someones time like that. I feel like I've been programmed not to put the spotlight on me. Does it make sense? It should never be about me.
Yeah, I know, I grew up with a mother who always makes thing about her.
And I'm a late diagnosed AuDHD, so I was always told I talk too much.
But I have a hard time logically seeing how much room I can take up.
And when I try?
No one seems to care. Or notice me.
That is probably the worst part.
Sometimes I wish I could have a little fairy sitting on my shoulder and tell me how neurotypicals experience the world and how I can fit in better. "Am I doing this right? How can I navigate this?"
Damn, this got darker than I had planned.
I'm gonna shake it off and take the dog for a walk.
Oh, one thing though.
My Garmin Venu 2s smartwatch is acting up and I actually have money for the newest one, Venu 4. Well, I'm broke if I buy it. It's all I have saved. But I love my watch, and it helps me keep track of my health, steps and sleep. And I don't have my phone in hand to keep an eye on my blood-sugar-levels.
So I'm buying it.
Well, I tried yesterday, but got a mail today that Garmin cancelled my order? Without an explanation on why. I sent them an email. I'm waiting to hear back.
Time for a walk and then my back is telling me to go sit in the couch.
