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I feel like such a mess.
I don't know where to start and where to end.
I've spent the last three days on the couch. Friday I was dead tired after two days of dog training and Saturday and yesterday I had so much pain from that time of the month. Painkillers barely covered it, and it makes me very tired.
My energy level depends on how I sleep, and yesterday I did not sleep well, though I can't put my finger on why.
I just ... it was hubby's birthday yesterday, and even though I know he doesn't want to celebrate I just felt awful for not having the energy to spend the day with him. But he took the dog out, did some gardening and had a pleasant normal day, and, well, it was what he wanted. And I made some good food for dinner.
We usually don't give each other presents, but I gave him a ticket for the local climbing park when he had his vacation, and we went and he had fun (I don't climb, I'm afraid of heights and my back is busted). The park is just ropes in trees with fun challenges, the highest point being about 20-22 meters. It was a fun day, even though it startet pouring and he was caught in a tree for like ten to fifteen minutes just getting soaked. It didn't discourage him, he's talking about trying out the other places they have near by.
Saturday I had the mental energy to do something, so I finally looked at the TTRPG I wanna host. Whispers of the Woods. And I did it. I finally figured out the overall plot for the campaign (a priest overtaken by a demon and trying to spread evil in and around the magic forest the game focus on) AND I wrote the first "story" my players have to do. In Denmark, when there's this thin fog close to the ground, especially at wet areas, we say the bog hag is brewing (mosekonen brygger). So the little town gets covered in fog, elderly and children get sick and the local witch (the bog hag), living in the forest, gets the blame. Our players has to travel into the woods to stop her, but as it always will be, everything is not what it seems.
I'm excited! I think it works!
Now I just have to make map-tiles (it's a hex crawl), and that is very time consuming, but I only have to make this very big batch and then only make special tiles going forward. Guess I have to fire up Photoshop!
I'm still in pain today, but I slept very well. I dream like crazy, but apparently not something draining this night.
I'm not in a hurry to walk the dog today - I live/rent on private land and they open up to tourists to visit the park in the summer. Yesterday was the last day of the year (except for the Christmas market weekends) and I don't have to be home before 10 am. And the summer heat has gone. No rush today.
But I am stressed. My mom is visiting in the weekend next week. I thought it was two weeks, but no, so now I'm a bit pressed for time. I have to clean. And I really don't feel like it. I am so pooped after vacation, I really just need a month or two of only every day stuff. But that's not how life works, right?
Sometimes I wish I could pause time and just be me. Catch my breath and get a good rest and reset.
I did try this weekend, I didn't turn on my PC, and I tried to stay away from Discord. It was nice.
I have this one person I know, who I was friends with for a time, but I just ... I don't vibe with her. She's ... special. And it finally got so much on my nerves, I tried fading the friendship, but she is very lonely and just keeps trying, and I don't know what to do. I just can't get myself to tell her straight up I'm not interested. But she doesn't get a hint.
It's probably a mix between my autism and my lack of energy - I've taken a lot of bullshit through my life and I don't wanna spend time on people I don't like. I can't just pretend and have a normal conversation with her (mostly because she'll just amp up her contact), but damned if I can just say "go away" to her.
I don't know where to start and where to end.
I've spent the last three days on the couch. Friday I was dead tired after two days of dog training and Saturday and yesterday I had so much pain from that time of the month. Painkillers barely covered it, and it makes me very tired.
My energy level depends on how I sleep, and yesterday I did not sleep well, though I can't put my finger on why.
I just ... it was hubby's birthday yesterday, and even though I know he doesn't want to celebrate I just felt awful for not having the energy to spend the day with him. But he took the dog out, did some gardening and had a pleasant normal day, and, well, it was what he wanted. And I made some good food for dinner.
We usually don't give each other presents, but I gave him a ticket for the local climbing park when he had his vacation, and we went and he had fun (I don't climb, I'm afraid of heights and my back is busted). The park is just ropes in trees with fun challenges, the highest point being about 20-22 meters. It was a fun day, even though it startet pouring and he was caught in a tree for like ten to fifteen minutes just getting soaked. It didn't discourage him, he's talking about trying out the other places they have near by.
Saturday I had the mental energy to do something, so I finally looked at the TTRPG I wanna host. Whispers of the Woods. And I did it. I finally figured out the overall plot for the campaign (a priest overtaken by a demon and trying to spread evil in and around the magic forest the game focus on) AND I wrote the first "story" my players have to do. In Denmark, when there's this thin fog close to the ground, especially at wet areas, we say the bog hag is brewing (mosekonen brygger). So the little town gets covered in fog, elderly and children get sick and the local witch (the bog hag), living in the forest, gets the blame. Our players has to travel into the woods to stop her, but as it always will be, everything is not what it seems.
I'm excited! I think it works!
Now I just have to make map-tiles (it's a hex crawl), and that is very time consuming, but I only have to make this very big batch and then only make special tiles going forward. Guess I have to fire up Photoshop!
I'm still in pain today, but I slept very well. I dream like crazy, but apparently not something draining this night.
I'm not in a hurry to walk the dog today - I live/rent on private land and they open up to tourists to visit the park in the summer. Yesterday was the last day of the year (except for the Christmas market weekends) and I don't have to be home before 10 am. And the summer heat has gone. No rush today.
But I am stressed. My mom is visiting in the weekend next week. I thought it was two weeks, but no, so now I'm a bit pressed for time. I have to clean. And I really don't feel like it. I am so pooped after vacation, I really just need a month or two of only every day stuff. But that's not how life works, right?
Sometimes I wish I could pause time and just be me. Catch my breath and get a good rest and reset.
I did try this weekend, I didn't turn on my PC, and I tried to stay away from Discord. It was nice.
I have this one person I know, who I was friends with for a time, but I just ... I don't vibe with her. She's ... special. And it finally got so much on my nerves, I tried fading the friendship, but she is very lonely and just keeps trying, and I don't know what to do. I just can't get myself to tell her straight up I'm not interested. But she doesn't get a hint.
It's probably a mix between my autism and my lack of energy - I've taken a lot of bullshit through my life and I don't wanna spend time on people I don't like. I can't just pretend and have a normal conversation with her (mostly because she'll just amp up her contact), but damned if I can just say "go away" to her.
It's weird. I don't feel people at the moment, but I really don't want to be all alone. I just don't have the energy to mask. And my usual hang-out gives me a bad conscience because I'm too tired to do, what I want and too tired to be there for anyone. And listening to all of them tell about how much they're getting done and I'm sitting here completely exhausted... nah, bro, I'm better of feeling lonely at the moment. It's okay. I can handle being alone.
I accept being too tired to do people.
This week is about trying to get back on track with practical stuff. Though I do have to rewrite the ending of my novel, it has to be done by the first of September. I have a week. Shit. I'm not sure I'll succeed. It's okay. I promised myself I would try, but not strive. It would just suck a bit not to make it.
