A turn of events mid-post

Sometimes I wish I had some more energy. After walking the dog, doing house chores and eating lunch I'm pretty done for the day. And it's after lunch I have time for everything else. All the fun stuff, but shit, I'm tired.

I really want to write today, I was this ready earlier, but the kitchen was a mess.
Now I'm pooped. And I have dog training this evening.

I just got a random message from my beta reader. I've told her about my lack of confidence and that I'm taking a break (she's reading my book, or what I was hoping could become a book one day). She couldn't stop thinking about it and just wanted to let me know, "you have some of the most vivid characters I've read for a long time and an awesome quest for saving your protagonist's family."
Well, fuck me. I don't know how to handle that kind of praise. I always have a hard time believing people saying nice stuff, but I'm actually tearing up.

My life have left me feeling like such a fuck-up, And hitting this wall of self-doubt with the one thing I always loved doing just ... it's such a crushing feeling.

And now my friend, who I just shared the praise with, is praising me too.

Now I really don't know what to do. Stop it 😭

I wish I was better at believing in myself. I know a lot of it is trauma from undiagnosed ADHD/autism, my mom, bullying at school and never being good, always average. I was never a straight A-student, and my mom somehow always makes my successes hers. And I didn't get very far in life, no education or ability to do a job (I'm living on early retirement benefit).
I don't know. I'm very afraid of any kind of pride or feeling good at anything. It always ends in disappointment.

Shit. This post wasn't supposed to be this dark.

I'm gonna walk the dog and get some air, before I answer people. I can't think right now.

Back on track

What I really wanted to share in my last post, which went of the rails - I'm feeling better now, I got my thoughts sorted out - was music.

More on that later. First!

I drove to dog training and home today 🥳 I'm starting to feel a bit silly for dragging my hubby along, but I still do not feel safe enough to drive without him. But my goal is to drive myself alone before the summer vacation.
Background: I do have a drivers license, but I'm scared of driving. But we just got an electrical car, and somehow my anxiety just ... not disappeared, but it's almost not present. It's such a nice car with a crazy amount of helping functions, I feel a lot more safe. Our old car was an old diesel with manual stick, and it just scared the crap out of me. I'm never going back!

But damn, I would really like to have my own car.
Hubby wants me to have my own car too, since I'm gonna change classes at dog training after summer, and there's suddenly something about weekend days and what have we, and he doesn't wanna sit home and be bored while I have the car xD
But money. So no. It's not gonna happen.

The training went very well today. We tried rally, and it's so much fun. We don't have rally at the club, but one of our instructors actually is a rally instructor. I might have been pushing a little for her to make a class. And of course it would be on a Sunday. Dammit. But if she decides to start a class, I'm joining! I really like it. And the dog does too!

I'm so proud of my street dog. She's such a good girl <3

And now.

Music.

I've fallen in love with almost a whole album. "The Fall" by Tommee Profitt and Sam Tinnesz. It's just perfect.
My favorites are Garden, Spiral (with Our Last Night!) and Darkest Hour. The Fall, Lost, and Shadows are also perfection!

( Show me the music! )