Buckhorn's part of the woods

For reasons, I've been reading about writing haiku in English the past couple of days and even tried my hands on composing some, though I have to admit, syllabic counting is one of those things I struggle with a lot as an ESL person. Altough, Higginson, author of The Haiku Handbook, dismisses the 1:1 syllabic structure of English haiku to the 17 unit Japanese ones and rather suggests a 2 beats / 3 beats / 2 beats structure instead, I'm not sure that makes it any easier for me. I have never learned about beats in English here and I'm really having a Time trying to determine what the stressed beats of a sentence are and what's unstressed. Sounds the same to me.

Still, I've managed to compose a small collection of 12 haiku, 3 for each part of a short story I want to write for my Adazakura universe. I've also written the first scene (for the first haiku) already, and hoping to finish the thing over the coming week. It's for rainbowfic.



Friday, my parents were here and it was awkward but otherwise went okay. I wasn't too messed up about it afterwards which is a good sign, I think. I managed to react somewhat constructively and with a good distance to the whole thing.

Right now, I'm even more concerned with the phone convo I had with the guy who will eventually be my coordinator for my rehabilitation efforts, once my time with my physiotherapist comes to an end. He seems okay, still not feeling completely comfortable with him, but hopefully it'll come with time and exposure.

He did suggest a helpful thing for my continued rehabilitation and that is a volunteer program that assists people with mental and physical disability in getting to their various groups and activities, like physically getting there, helping them take the bus and such and staying with them, I think, until they're safe back home again. I intend to practice the bus over the summer holidays, plus continue to walk more, so I can actually walk the required distances, but once I begin other activities in August, I think this will be usable to me, definitely.

After talking to him, something weird also happened to me on a more personal level. I went for a walk. This might sound simple, but since January I have only been outside a very few select times and never walked very far, because my anxiety is so rampant when I do it. Well, Friday, before my parents got here, I said fuck that and walked, not that far, maybe 100 meters, but it's more than I have walked for half a year and I used my crutch to minimize the stress on my foot, just focusing on doing the walking movement... And I did it. I walked out to our main road and back again. I did it with focus and effort.

I was wiped afterwards, but it was worth it. I've decided that every day until August, I will walk a bit more each time I go out and I must get outside at least once a day. It's a challenge, but unless I start to actually put the work in and beat my anxiety, I'll never live a normal life again.

I want my life back.

So I'll continue.



My editor contacted me this morning, letting me know, she's halfway through my short story and expects to be done in a couple of days time. My motivation for that universe kicked right back in and now I'm contemplating a new fic for rainbowfic. Got some great feedback on the latest one I put up, so I feel I really have something to work with from here.

I'm really nervous about what my editor has of comments. Grammar and such is okay, I don't mind fixing bad grammar, but I'm really, really nervous about what she might have to say about my execution of the sex parts. And since most of the smut is in the final part of the story, I'm not sure I can put too much stock in her reassurance that 80% of her remarks are positive. What if the sex disappoints? Seems ridiculous? Stupid? What if... what if...

But I have to keep in mind, she is there to help me improve and make the story as good as it can be. If I really want to polish it and make it stand out the way I want it to and that I think it deserves, this is the work I have to do.

I just have never put this much thought or work into one single piece, aside from my novels. It's nerve-inducing.

However, in two days time, I will know.



Still mentally trying to decide what to buy, when July 1st comes around and I can shop amok on Paperblanks' website. There are a few things I know I'll get, the Holland Spring canvas bag and the two bookmarks, Poetry in Bloom and The Chanin Rise, but I also want a pencil case and pencils, but can't decide on the motif. Not to mention, what notebooks to buy... Ah, so many choices.



During next week, I have to call the hospital and ask if I can keep my wash stool for another month or so, bc I'm no ready not to use it in the shower yet. Plus, I use it when getting dressed still, too, for some things. I don't think it's gonna be a problem, but we'll see. I already renewed it for one more period.

I should probably put it in my calendar to remember to do this, or I'll forget.



I feel like there's a lot like that these days. Slipping from between my fingers.

I've got physiotherapy today.

For various reasons, I'm not looking forward to it. Since last time (which was last month, my therapist and I only meet once a month now, regularly), I haven't at all made the progress I wanted, the opposite rather. I overworked my foot a couple of weeks ago and haven't been able to walk properly until a few days ago, so all the things we'd agreed that I should try out, I haven't gotten around to (bus, standing up while washing my hair) and I feel kinda awful about it, which I know is stupid. She probably sees a lot of progress and the opposite in her work, but we're nearing the end of our journey together and I think, more than any of the physical stuff that I still can't do, which I can pretty easily practice, my anxiety is standing in my way.

We've already agreed that once we've finished our part of my rehab programme, I'll be sent off to group and team therapy in my local community and that would probably be fine for most people, but my social anxiety is making a big scene out of it and right now... I honestly can't imagine actually being able to go through with it? Not because I don't want to! But because there are so many steps to it, mentally, that I just can't see myself going through with it. Right now, just getting in a cab and being driven to PT is draining enough. Having to get on a bus by myself with all the anxiety that entails, then having to do exercises with other people with all the anxiety that entails and get on a bus home again??? How should I be able to handle that, it would be like going from 20 kmph to 100 kmph!

So, I need to talk to her about this today and I am not feeling like having to be that fucking adult. I hate having to admit to the shit I can't do. All the things I haven't been able to do for half a year now are bad enough, my mental stuff on top of that is just unfair, to be honest. Sigh. But it must be done and I've made a list to remind myself what to keep in mind and have discussed with her before I leave the studio today.



Yesterday was a wild one. I ran a Discord writing event from half past twelve (noon) until half past five in the afternoon and it was intense, but good! Productive! I managed to finish a 1500 word short story in this timeframe and am almost ready to post it to rainbowfic. It's a new Lilith/Mary story, but told from Mary's point of view which I think makes it easier to expand on the universe that I originally wrote about in The Lover of Lilith, since she is the one who grows the most after the events of that, both physically and emotionally.

It's kind of a coming out story? But also kind of a 'getting thrown out by your homophobic parents'-story. I do think it ends on a hopeful note, but it's kept deliberately vague and thus, it's probably not a comfortable read for people who have been and are in that situation themselves. However, I did think it was a fitting story for Pride month! And I liked it upon reread yesterday night, so we'll see what I think about it when I reread it again later today.

The title is "No Room In the Inn", as a reference to Mary's situation in the Bible. How we exclude others and are excluded, when we are different, or live different lives from what people expect of us due to societal norms etc.

I hope to be able to post it tonight. Still can't share The Lover of Lilith since it's still pending for the anthology I'm submitting it to, but hopefully at some point...



I really need the holidays to soon be upon us. I'm just... tired. Worn down and tired.

July can't get here soon enough!

TO-READ LIST

1. Finish "Flygtige Ord" by Anita Furu, I'm approx. halfway through.
2. Reread "The Little Prince" by Saint-Exupery for research purposes.
3. Betaread the novel I've been sent by one of my friends from the Danish writing server.

I was in a lot of pain throughout most of the day, as I have been most of this week. Then, during therapy today, it totally vanished. Like, from one moment to the next, I went from being more or less unable to support my own weight on my bad foot to being able to walking mostly normally.

Which proves to me that at least part of my pain issues is psychosomatic. I don't make it up, but it stems from something psychological rather than from my body not functioning as it should. This both pisses me off and is an immense relief. Weird mix of things.

My anxiety was also really bad this morning, but is manageable now. I'm having a cup of tea, contemplating finally getting started on those Mary-centric side stories to The Lover of Lilith, but not sure I'm not too tired tonight. I just made an event in the writing Discord server I'm in tomorrow, so maybe I should just focus on getting some writing done there.



I've got physiotherapy Wednesday. I was nervous about it, due to all the pains, but now I'm more relaxed. Though, I still have some stuff to discuss with my therapist, mostly whether we can prolong our collaboration more. Last time we talked about wrapping up once I could use the bus myself, but I'm not at all at that point yet, so I really am not ready to stop our work. If she says that isn't possible (it's a regional physiotherapeutic offer, so I'm not even sure how much they decide themselves in regards to these things), I'll have to contact my insurance and hear if they can offer a way for me to continue, once I wrap up here. Because I still really need the support. ;;



Most of my issues these past two weeks, I think, can be traced back to the fact that I'm seeing my parents on Friday and I really don't want to. Right now I just try not to think about it. Luckily (or not so luckily for my nervous system), this week has been and will continue to be pretty busy, so I don't have much time or energy to ponder it too much, but at the same time I just don't feel like I'm ready either...



I've changed my default icon to the one that will represent me and my gf's writing project in July. Just so we're thematically on point, LOL.

It's half past three here and considering it's only mid-June, the heat feels oppressive. By Danish standards, granted, which means it's 12 degrees Celcius, but I'm really sensitive to my sleeping spaces being anything but chilled, so I woke up feeling boiling hot, ngl. And thirsty. And needing the toilet.

Just that kind of night.

I'll make the best of it, though. When this entry is written, I'll sit down and see if I can't spit out a couple of scenes in my texting-style short story, I made a good indent into it yesterday. If I'm really good, I'll be able to finish it today, which would be great, because then I can send all three Marie-Claude shorts to my girlfriend tonight! That would feel like an accomplishment. Combined, there are about 15K+ words in there, just at this point, this texting short isn't done yet.



We had Thai-inspired chicken-stuffed tortillas for dinner last night. It's one of our favourite foods to make, not because it's easy to make (it isn't, the prep work is pretty extensive), but because it's so easy and smooth to eat, a real street food-style thing, greasy and tasty and soft. Yum. Lots of chili and garlic in it, too! I think I ate four, lol. I love when my girlfriend is in the mood to make it. I used to help her chop stuff a bit, before I fell, but atm I can't stand up for long enough to really assist much. It'll come back to that, I know, but with how I've had pains the past week, I've beaten myself over the head with it a lot.



Assisted living visit today. We'll be looking at some bank stuff, which always has my anxiety spike through the roof and I can feel it building already, although the appointment isn't until 11am, so a good few hours away. I've gained more control over my own finances since I fell, mostly out of necessity, but it still ignites a lot of old fears, insecurities and panic, which is something my assisted living person and I are working on, but it's currently an up and down learning curve.

Other than that one appointment, though, we only have some cleaning of the apartment to do (Friday is our cleaning day in this house) and the usual grocery shopping, all of which hangs mostly on my girlfriend these days for the same reason as mentioned above. I just can't lift stuff and move around as freely as I'd like. Especially not since I did talk to my physio therapist yesterday and she reckoned it was my Achilles tendon having been overworked that's causing the pains, so the only resolution not to aggrevate it is to relax a lot, "not to pull to a complete halt" as she put it, but slow down, fewer steps, less strain.

I really want this pain to go away, so there's nothing for it, I guess.



As I've been writing these Marie-Claude short stories the past few weeks, something has dawned on me. Since my conception of this character around the years 2012-2014, a decade ago(!), she has never grown or developed much. Marie-Claude has always pretty much just been Marie-Claude. There have been some details that have changed, like her relationship to her dad (probably a subconscious way for me to work with my own changes to the relationship to my own parents) and her relationship to Jean Louis (they've been through various stages of the 'lovers' category to their now much more sibling-like dynamic), but neither one nor the other has ever really caused her to move forward as a character.

Yet, I can feel her doing so now.

Why?

I fear the answer is simple, Sherlock. She came out of the closet. It's funny (or tragic or both) that for these past many years, I've always joked that Marie-Claude was my only really straight character, because I've always only envisioned her in relationships to men. Turns out, she is bisexual and, it seems, will end up in a relationship to a woman.

You have no idea how much this boggled my brain at first!! Due to her dynamics with her father, I always just assumed that she'd always be one of those women who tried repairing or recreating her relationship to her father in her romantic relationships, and only to some degree succeed, for better or for worse. While I still think she is pretty male-leaning (maybe for the above reasons, who knows), writing her with Sasha now has really opened my eyes to the potential for growth that Marie-Claude holds. How happy she can actually be (although, honestly, she isn't making it easy for herself) and I can't believe I'm basically having a big bi awakening on behalf of one of my oldest and dearest characters. It's like watching a dear friend finally find themselves after half a life of misery.



I'm happy for you, Marie-Claude. Go live your best life!

We're already halfway through the week. It's been a weird one, because Denmark held Pentecost-holidays Thursday through Monday, so the week didn't - in practice - start until yesterday. And so, mid-week, is also only the second day or the work week and all my routines are a bit out of the water due to that. Besides that, my foot has been hurting really badly (or, at least, more badly than it's done for months) since Saturday, so my thoughts have been very anxious and I've been hyperfocusing on it a lot.

Tomorrow, my assisted living person will come visiting, but unless my pain has gotten a lot better, our plan of taking the bus definitely won't go anywhere, because I honestly think my leg needs the rest and no additional stress. So no walking to the busstop. And no getting in and out of a vehicle that moves.

Unless it's gotten better, of course. From yesterday until today, it's already improved somewhat.



My girlfriend's article got approved for the magazine it was written for! She was so overjoyed and I was endlessly proud of her. We need to celebrate it, when she's done the final editing work, I've promised I'll buy us takeaway and we can have a nice dinner at home.

She'll be working on it tonight. I think, to keep in time with the editing vibe, I'll reread The Lover of Lilith, my submission call short story, and maybe write a companion piece or something. Nothing big, just to hold on to the themes and style of the short. I have a few ideas already, just haven't really sat down and worked on them, but if she is going to work on her article, I can work on this.

I have started a new Marie-Claude short story, too. It's in the epistolary style, but like text messages. I think it'll be good, but it's very slow in writing, because there is a lot of formatting to do, plus some themes of parental neglect that always get to me when I write them, so I have to take it in little bits.

However, I like it and I'm developing her voice a lot like this.



My girlfriend has also promised to buy me a new notebook for the Marie-Claude and Jean Louis project we're doing, and my love has befallen the new The Little Prince design that Paperblanks is releasing the 1st of July. To get free shipping, we have to buy a few extra things, so I've made a list of stuff I want, now that we're already ordering, including 3 bookmarks, 2 pencil sets, a canvas bag and an extra notebook, because I prefer having both one that is unlined and one that is lined, since I use them for different things.

It'll be expensive, but because a friend of mine just bought something off their website, I have gotten a 10% off coupon that I can use, and then it'll be slightly less terrible.

I also have some books to pick up at the local bookstore, but since I am not going into town until later in June, that's a headache for then.

Plus, there are also the library books I need to turn in...



Saturday, I'm having a friend over and her dog. K. is out with one of her friends, so we'll both be social and hang out with people that aren't one another for once, and I'm glad for us.

Overall, things have been good. But I'm seeing my therapist today and I finally, now, 40 minutes before we're meeting up, know what to talk with her about. I've been drawing a blank for days.

Not because everything is fine, but because everything has been exactly not fine enough that nothing seemed worse than the rest. If that makes sense.